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My tale of identity theft

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by Bubbler, Jun 6, 2007.

  1. Bubbler

    Bubbler Active Member

    It finally happened to me a few weeks ago. Someone zipped my debit card and knocked a $2,100 hole in my bank account.

    It happened when I was covering a game. I found out when I returned. My wife said, "don't be pissed ..."

    Blood begins boiling.

    "... but someone stole your debit card number and charged a $2,100 flight on Air Canada."

    Fuck. Among the reasons I was pissed because I NEVER use my debit card online. Whoever did this shit either got my number from a third party or just "lucked out" and randomly got my number to work for a purchase. Either way I was fucked.

    Luckily my wife caught it quickly. The transaction hit our account on the day of purchase, so no further damage was done. My card had already been suspended. My bank was informed to the point she could in my place. But the rest was on me.

    First order of business, even though it was 1 a.m., was to call Air Canada to try and have the charge reversed and alert their fraud department.

    Enter Norman, erstwhile Air Canada telephone rep. I explain to him what happened, knowing full well I'd probably have to wait until the following morning for a hefty dose of soul-crushing bureaucracy and officialdom. Norman asks for my card number to check the flight status and all of the sudden the tone of his voice turns from barely conscious boredom to heightened fascination.

    "Are you Felix Paikiule, sir? Are you currently on a flight from Montreal to Munich en route to Geneva, Switzerland?"

    Yeah asshole. I got in the escape hatch of your DC-9, guided it back to mid-America from the Atlantic fucking Ocean and called you to complain about fraud.

    "No I'm definitely not Mr. Paikiule."

    I could tell Norman was freaking out.

    "Sir, this flight ... IS STILL IN TRANSIT! We can nail this guy!"

    Fucking A! Get the God damn Mounties on their horses, stat!

    "The flight has landed in Munich, but he has not picked up his connecting Lufthansa flight to Geneva. If he can't produce the card he used for purchase at the counter, I will tell German authorities to arrest him immediately. At Air Canada, we take fraud seriously. Will you help us prosecute if need be? Of course, I will alert our fraud department and give your claim top priority."

    Every fiber of my being burned with revenge. I had this vision of grim, humorless, Teutonic-visaged cops immediately sticking a truncheon up the ass of this fucker at the Lufthansa counter, ready to make Mr. Paikiule the most painful entrant in Germany's Most Disturbing Videos. Arrgh!

    And this was all so exciting! So far, identity theft was pretty fucking cool. You have intrigue. You have cloak-and-dagger suspense. You have exotic locales. I might get to testify ... in Munich! And deep down in the back of my mind, I know if Mr. Paikiule is some Day Of The Jackal-style bad ass who can fuck my shit up, I'll take money on the down low to keep quiet at his trial.

    Unfortunately, it appears my tale has no happy ending of a German PMITAP. The fantasy was alluring, the truth was hard.

    The truth is that you didn't have intrigue, you have Norman, some lifetime Air Canada phone hack from Mississauga who has a jet fuel-huffing habit and is one demerit away from termination for masturbating at his cubicle to the drag version of Kevin McDonald from Kids In The Hall, making shit up at his desk because he was bored.

    And the truth is you don't have cloak-and-dagger suspense, you probably have slacker German airport authorities who are pissed the Scorpions' World Wide Live didn't go quadruple-platinum in the States and whistled Big City Nights in protest as Mr. Paikiule boarded his flight to Geneva under their watchful eye. Take that America!

    You do have exotic locales. Mr. Paikiule is drinking a Rumplemintz shot out of some strippers' navel in Geneva as we speak and has already learned to request blow jobs from Swiss hookers in German, French, Italian and Romansch.

    I'm really pissed that he's probably already busted a hummer-lovin' nut at Montreaux, convincing some chick he could show her where, "some stupid with a flare gun" burned the gambling house from Smoke On The Water down "with an awful sound" on my fucking dime.

    When I get to my bank, the much-feared officialdom and bullshit is laid on thick. Of course, the bank can't immediately credit my account, they have to process the fraud claim. And the fraud claim can't be processed until the fraudulent purchase "hard hits" our account. It can't be done when it's a pending transaction, as it still was at the time. It'll take 10 business days for the account to be credited.

    Despite the 16-inch Jelly Big Boss up my ass from this process, I'll bet I can get a sweet toaster if I re-fi my house for a limited time only!

    I called Air Canada a few days later to find out what happened with my fraud claim. Instead of my boy Norman, I get a stern French-Canadian woman whose voice seemed to indicate she had the countenance of Lotte Lenya from From Russia With Love. Basically, she couldn't tell me shit, other than to say Norman hadn't filed any fraud claims (motherfucker!) and to accidentally slip out that Mr. Paikiule purchased his ticket on something called AfricaFlight.com or something.

    Fortunately I had just received a modest inheritance check to cover the shortfall or we'd be in serious shit until the purchase gets credited. The 10 business days haven't gone by yet and we still don't have our money back.

    Fuck the shithead who stole my card number. Fuck my bank. Fuck AfricaFlight.com. Fuck Felix Paikiule and his Smoke On The Water blow jobs. Fuck Norman. And fuck Air Canada, I want a free vacation to Banff or some such Canadian city so I can piss all over Canadian soil.

  2. Herbert Anchovy

    Herbert Anchovy Active Member

  3. Tom Petty

    Tom Petty Guest

    i'm wiping a tear. that was a beautiful retelling.

    parade would buy that mother fucker and probably run a pic of you and the mrs. on the cover.
  4. Ronnie "Z-Man" Barzell

    Ronnie "Z-Man" Barzell Active Member

    You could go to Windsor and piss on the border guard who refused us entry.
  5. three_bags_full

    three_bags_full Well-Known Member

    Sorry about your tale, Bubbler, but once again you have told a wonderful tale.

    My ID theft story: Some bitch behind the counter at the ZippyMart swiped my card twice and sent the information to some dude in Cali. The dude in California hit me for about a grand.

    But, Bubbler, if you have one of the major debit cards (Visa, Mastercard), they refund all fradulent purchases.
  6. britwrit

    britwrit Well-Known Member

    Of course, the trick is to keep all your cards maxed out so there's no danger of this happening...
  7. Flying Headbutt

    Flying Headbutt Moderator Staff Member

    Damn. Someone broke into a gym locker of mine once, took the credit card (but not the check card or cash or anything else) and rang up close to a thousand dollars in purchases at a few different nearby stores. I had just moved out of my parents house so the call from the credit card company went to them asking me to call them back, so when I got the message I did. I told them of course I didn't buy all that but my credit card is right here in my ---- uhhhhh whoops. Son of a bitch, it is gone. Right away they told me not to worry about a thing.

    BTW, how did Norm slip the net in Munich? Or was the other sweaty Canadian guy just putting you on?
  8. Big Buckin' agate_monkey

    Big Buckin' agate_monkey Active Member

    It is effective.
  9. Big Buckin' agate_monkey

    Big Buckin' agate_monkey Active Member

    What Web site doesn't ask for the three- or four-digit security code on a credit card?

    I thought that was standard these days. Of course, maybe AfricaAir.com (or whatever it was) does ask for it, and Felix hit the jackpot.
  10. OnTheRiver

    OnTheRiver Active Member

    Well done, Bubs. Well done.
  11. The Big Ragu

    The Big Ragu Moderator Staff Member

    Same exact thing happened to me, FHB. Gym locker robbery (my old gym, which I am so glad I escaped!) The MO is this... They take a credit card buried in the back of your wallet and leave the cash and stuff, like a bank card that is in the front of the wallet intact. The hope is that you don't notice the credit card is gone and they have time to do damage. The bastards also stole my iPod, so I knew I had been robbed. They had already made a small purchase on the credit card when I noticed and called the card company, but I cut them off before they could go crazy. Bastards.
  12. Chef

    Chef Active Member

    If you see Norman at your local Wal-Mart........then whatcha gonna do?
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