My neighbors belong in straitjackets thread, part 57

My best friend lives three houses down from me so today when I lost my cell phone and saw her car in her driveway, I figured I'd walk down and ask her to give me a call so I can find it.

She didn't answer, so I decided to ask another neighbor if she'd seen her leave.

Now, a little background. We have nicknamed this neighbor 5x. Normally, I try not to make fun of someone because of her size, but since she is an absolute lunatic that harasses everyone on my street I feel this name fits. Her children are fathered by a man who decapitated a woman in a nearby town. She met her current husband, a former ADA who was just fired because of her constant interference, at the trial.

So the conversation goes something like this:

Me: Hey, do you know if Sara is home?
5x: (screaming in South Park busdriver voice) I don't know Farmerj, what the fuck do you think I do, babysit the neighbors? (I resist the urge to point out that she watches everything through her window).

Me: Aw 5x, that's it -- go fuck your self!
5x: (screaming in South Park busdriver voice) I would never do that!
Me: Then kiss my fucking ass!
5x: (screaming in South Park busdriver voice) I would never touch you because you probably have AIDS!

And then she adds a lesbian slang. And we all know I'm married.

Anyway, the whole neighborhood witnessed this and basically stood up and applauded. But now I'm alone in my house for the next four hours in case the wilderbeast decides to attack. I'm asking my parents to stop by.

Suggestions?

 

Re: My neighbors belong in straightjackets thread, part 57

"Don't start nothin', won't be nothin'."

 

Re: My neighbors belong in straightjackets thread, part 57

I think we've crossed that bridge an hour ago.

 

Re: My neighbors belong in straightjackets thread, part 57

I'm sending Stan's minions your way!

 

Re: My neighbors belong in straightjackets thread, part 57

Upper deck her?

 

Re: My neighbors belong in straightjackets thread, part 57

You're gonna have to beat the bitch down.

Stick and move, stick and move. Don't let her corner you.

 

Re: My neighbors belong in straightjackets thread, part 57

Work the body...

 

Re: My neighbors belong in straightjackets thread, part 57

Report her to HR

 

Re: My neighbors belong in straightjackets thread, part 57

What is wrong with you? I'd lose my arm! It would get sucked in to the folds. THE FOLDS!

 

Re: My neighbors belong in straightjackets thread, part 57

She has to. Sounds like she may not be able to reach the head.

 

Re: My neighbors belong in straightjackets thread, part 57

Awesome. Stan is no pussy. [/ducking]