My first call from a collection agency

that's funny. I'm a junior (not a JR, he's some crazy Canuck ) and when I was still living at home, my dad got a call about his bad credit. Now realize my father has perhaps the most exemplary credit of anyone who has ever lived. The only person in the house who buys anything on credit is my mom, and all cards are paid in full each month. He paid off a 20-year mortgage in 10 years. He is an incredibly cautious investor, does his tax returns in January and lives in mortal fear of the IRS.

Fortunately, my mom took the call...had my dad taken it, he might have had a stroke. My mom says "Call them back and say you're dad. Ask them if they're mixing this up with 'your son.'" Sure enough, I call and say my credit is fine but I know my son just graduated college and got in a little deeper than he should have. "Oh yeah this is his account."

Morans.

 

No, I'm not sure, but 'dex found Grant & Weber online. And they knew about my surgery. So I would guess they're "legitimate," although I have qualms about using that word.

 

I had a collection agency call me once regarding a hospital bill my deadbeat cousin had run up. We have the same first and last name.

Of course you'd think they'd note the 40-something year gap on the birth dates.

 

Pay the bill, Jones. Only be creative. ...

Spend the next couple months screening your calls while collecting $132 in grocery coupons. When you've got them collected, send them in with a nice note commending them on their persistence.

They'll never call again.

 

Send him pictures of your colonoscopy... bill him for the entertainment value

 

Cedars-Sinai, while one of the best hospitals in the world (they took out my appendix) that is consistently on the cutting edge of medicine, has a billing department that seemingly hires cast-offs from the fast-paced, challenging world of telemarketing.

It is this collective group of rocket scientists who do all the bargaining (read: "press one now and talk to Sha-nay-nae in the next cubicle about getting your acrylic nails filled while you're on hold") between the hospital, the doctors and the insurance company.

In my experience with them, with random bills coming out of the woodwork a year and a half after the procedure, by comparison, they make the Italian Postal Service seem like the penultimate model of efficiency.

 

No, and don't pay it. They will write off the $132 and the limitation on the write off is seven years. The next time the collection agent calls, ask him right away if he has a fax number...he will know why you are asking this and get pretty pissed. By US law, he must give it to you and state that he is attempting to collect a debt. You inform him that you are faxing a letter to him to Cease and Desist all collection efforts. He will probably call you some kind of name...deadbeat, you must be a communist...something like that. Debt collectors are the scum of the earth. One of my favorites was a call I received some time ago for a $350 cleaning bill on an apartment I vacated. He told me I wasn't a red-blooded American because I don't pay my bills. Nevermind the apartment I rented had no initial deposit because I had good credit. Anyhow, I respond by saying, "before I get off the phone here, I'm just curious about something...How do you go home at night, look your children in the eye and tell them daddy does something that contributes to society." I don't think I've ever heard someone meltdown like that...it was better than Mike Gundy. Needless to say, he got a cease and desist letter and I never heard from them again.

 

They can't do much to you. If it's been a year, the unpaid bill is probably already on your credit file. You can tell them not to call you at work, and not to call anyone you know. They can call you only between certain hours. They really can't do anything.

That said, you should talk to your insurance company. It's pretty common for some anesthesiologist or someone like that (who bills separately from Cedars) to send out bills to the wrong place. We got a bill from a collection agency for an ambulance that my wife took to the hospital once. They didn't have our phone number (the note said: "If no phone number listed, we're looking!" I swear to God it said that). I called my insurance agent and that was the last I heard of it.

The other thing is that I think they often try to double bill, just to see if they can get someone to pay (I got a bill from my medical clinic last week that I'd already paid. When I called to dispute it, the woman very quickly said, nope I didn't owe it at all. It was a little too easy).

If you decide to pay it but you still want to fuck with them, tell them you want to set up a payment plan. They pretty much have to accept this. Tell them you can afford $5 a month. Make them wait it out for all 27 months.

 

send them a cease and desist letter

 

Sounds like my MasterCard plan.

 

Problem with collection agencies is, they have no way of knowing (and no interest in) whether the debt is valid or any of the details about it. Mr. Ross is given a file and told to get the money, and has been trained that most people will cave if you bully them -- I admit, when I was young and the financial wolves were at my door, whichever one was snarling loudest usually got paid first.

Mr. Ross (almost certainly not his real name) probably has some quota he's trying to hit to get a $50 bonus, and there's a piece of poster board on the wall with a giant thermometer drawn on it and if the red Sharpie colors in all the way to the top, the whole shitty little cubicle village gets to go to Chuck E. Cheese.

Fax them the cease and desist telling them you dispute the debt, which will give you time to sort it out with the people at the hospital and insurance company who actually know what's up. Or just research the debt while allowing Mr. Ross to call you every day, because it's kind of amusing to hear what new tactics they'll try and it's nice to have someone you can be a total dick to on the phone.

 

Once a week I'd take the spare change I collected throughout the previous week and send it to him. I know, over the course of time you'd spend a few bucks on excess postage, but the joy you'd get out of having them wait out the payment . . . $1.05 this week, 87 cents the week after that, 33 cents the next week . . . would more than return the satisfaction.