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My dad - can anyone top this?

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by poindexter, Jun 2, 2009.

  1. poindexter

    poindexter Well-Known Member

    When it comes to all-around a-holeness, my dad is just in a league of his own. My family spent a weekend with my parents for a wedding in Vegas last month. Here are the lowlights, all in a 48-hour period.

    *He spent an hour with my 14 and 15 year old kids. Here are the following texts I got from my son:
    -We are stopping at a video poker machine

    -He is making us press the buttons

    -We got in trouble

    My kids said that he mimicked the Asian waitress who chastised him regarding underaged gambling, (he didn't understand that "they're with me" is not an adequate excuse) by uttering Chinese gibberish, and then said "remember Pearl Harbor".

    *During the wedding, after looking at the gorgeous bridesmaids, he said to my son, "Do you think these are hookers from the Strip?"

    *Driving on the interstate 15 after the wedding, and passing Martin Luther King Blvd, he said, "Why would they name a street after that asshole?"

    *Explained to me that "Phil Jackson is an asshole. He can't coach".

    *various other small moments, including a reference to Sigfried and Roy and their tigers, which really isn't printable.

    As we left Sunday morning in separate cars (we happened to be at the parking structure of our hotel at the same time), he asked me to let them follow him out. This is a guy who has been to Vegas 200 times in his life. Interstate 15 has never changed in that time.
    I could not bear the thought of them stopping for another smoke break, then driving 10 miles an hour and me missing them through a light.

    Instead, I gave him the following directions: "Right on Flamingo drive, until you hit the 15. Take the 15 south."

    He took the 15 North, and I received this text message on the way back to LA:

    > From: x@txt.att.net <x@txt.att.net>
    > Subject:

    > (Me) you suck because you wod not wait for us to follow you i turn
    > wrong on freewy an cost me a los of 45 min i wond what (my brother) would
    > have done?
    > --
    > ==================================================================
    > This mobile text message is brought to you by AT&T

    Quite the peach. Anyone else got a dad like this?
  2. Grimace

    Grimace Guest

    This explains so much.
  3. RickStain

    RickStain Well-Known Member

    Outing alert:

    Poindexter's dad:

  4. Ace

    Ace Well-Known Member

    Is your father a retired schoolteacher, perchance?
  5. 21

    21 Well-Known Member

    You are cordially invited to Thanksgiving 2009.
  6. poindexter

    poindexter Well-Known Member

    The gratuitous dig at me with "What would (my brother) have done?" was especially sweet, given that in the last 10 years, he took my brother out of his will (and back in) and then went another year not talking to him, after leaving an invective-filled voice mail regarding my brother's (lack of male genitalia) after getting mad about something.

    Growing up, one time on a vacation, we hung out in the parking lot of a Howard Johnson's - I ate my ice cream cone as my dad was inside, arguing that all our cones should be free since they advertised "32 flavors", but the store only had 30 that day.
  7. copperpot

    copperpot Well-Known Member

    Wow. Your kids' initial texts were funny, though.
  8. The Big Ragu

    The Big Ragu Moderator Staff Member

    The funny thing is, your dad sounds hysterical. ... and he is, except when he is your dad, I suppose.

    My dad drives me up the wall. I could tell tales of messed-upedness that are not the worst stories ever told, but they are certainly unique. I am not going to air the laundry out on here, so sorry. But as messed up as he is--and I spent all day with him on Sunday and wanted to slit my wrists and I felt guilty because he is in bad shape and probably doesn't have much time left--at least he doesn't walk around acting like a jerk intentionally.

    Sorry poindexter. It's still funny as all hell, though.
  9. poindexter

    poindexter Well-Known Member

    One Thanksgiving, maybe 1985, after a tension-filled meal, I was upstairs and heard the following exchange between my dad and his brother:

    "You're an asshole"
    "No, you're an asshole"
    "You're a double asshole"

    The holiday festivities quickly broke up after that.
  10. The Big Ragu

    The Big Ragu Moderator Staff Member

    That is funny, though. Hysterically funny. You should write a memoir. It could be therapeutic for you. ... and hysterically funny for the rest of us.
  11. Moderator1

    Moderator1 Moderator Staff Member

    My dad died when I was 10. I have no such stories.
  12. mustangj17

    mustangj17 Active Member

    Your Dad should have a reality show.
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