Move over U.S. News & World Report

The feds want to get into the college ranking business:

 

Our dean, in our pre-semester college-wide faculty meeting yesterday, mentioned that she wants to hire a person for her staff to handle what she called "rankings management." The person, it was explained, would monitor how we stack up across the myriad rankings and offer up suggestions about how we could improve. I said even then I could see that position morphing into a very intrusive administrative empire. Who know I could be so prescient?

 

And if you mention extortion again, I'll have your legs broken.

 

Will margin of victory finally be taken into account?

 

Well, no. People would run up the score then and that's just not nice.

 

Who will be the Ken Pomeroy of these rankings?

 

"Unless you go to a T12, you'll end up working a minimum wage job," according to posts on College Confidential and The Grad Cafe.

 

No Frat Bro Left Behind.

 

The Feds can only rank elementary, middle and high schools. Not colleges. Because that would be government interference.

 

My wife's elementary school was named a federal "Blue Ribbon" school two or three years ago. They continue to mention it in every scrap of paper they send out. I told her it's getting embarrassing, like the White Sox "2005 World Series Champions" billboard still facing the Dan Ryan eight years later.

 

That drives me crazy!

 

I don't give a rat's ass about the "interference" ... but this not being my first rodeo, I can tell you what is going to happen. We are going to wind up paying some roomful of administrators shitpiles of money so they can make sure that we maintain our vise-like grip on the federal/state tit. So, ultimately, to ensure that college remains "affordable" and "a good value," we're going to make it more expensive without remotely affecting anything of substance.