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Mixed martial arts feature

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by DGRollins, Aug 10, 2007.

  1. DGRollins

    DGRollins Member

    I’ve got a couple days until this goes out…

    I’m wondering if anyone would be so kind as to offer some suggestions on how to improve it?

    Appreciated, as always....

  2. I like it a lot. I also wonder - though I love the lead in general - if "word tricks" is what he played. "Word tricks" makes me think of, like, puns and double-entendres. What this guy was doing was...tricking people, period. So maybe: "This time, Albert Doxtator won't try to trick
    you." (Or something other than "word tricks.")

    I also think you could use a stronger phrase than "he went to great lengths."

    Finally, you seem to have a habit of omitting the comma where a comma is due:

    Last December, when Doxtator organized a fighting card that looked a lot like mixed martial arts (MMA) (COMMA) he went to great lengths to distance the card from the controversial sport.

    The Oneida Athletic Council is the product of more than a year’s work (COMMA) says Doxtator.
    MMA has a reputation—unfounded (COMMA) say its proponents—of being a violent, wild west kind of sport.

    In sum, though, it's structurally and grammatically sound. And it's interesting. So good work.
  3. PS: I think the solution for your no-comma habit is to read your sentences out loud. If you talk through, say, the second error, you'll immediately understand where the comma should be.
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