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Might as well add another football gamer here

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by RedHotChiliPrepper, Oct 9, 2007.

  1. —Maybe I should preface this by saying I've been trying to get away from nuts and bolts play-by-play, this is who scored first and then ... kind of stuff. This is the kind of stuff I've been doing most of the year and I'm just kind of curious to know if I'm on the right track.
    Thanks in advance to anyone who takes a read or leaves a suggestion.

    Danville’s Andrew Shoop was on all fours, straddling the sideline, reaching a hand up only to viciously rip one of his chinstrap buckles apart, loosening his helmet.
    He let loose a violent right-hand punch to the turf — one good enough to scare even the best heavyweight fighter — as a coach and a teammate tried to pull him to his feet. The punch was the junior quarterback’s way of emitting the frustration of having thrown an interception near the goal line for the second time this year as the Ironmen tried feverishly to tie the football game in the final seconds.
    Seemingly meaningless was his 321 passing yards, the second-best single-game total in school history. Seemingly meaningless was his four touchdown passes and a school-record 21 completions.
    The only thing that mattered to Shoop was Montoursville’s 36-29 win at Memorial Stadium in a game Danville led after Michael Smith’s second touchdown reception with 2:31 to play.
    “There’s no such thing as a moral victory,” said Shoop, whose career night gives him 1,408 passing yards for the year. “These are the games you live for. It just sucks coming out on the wrong end in all these games.”
    Friday was the fourth time in six games Shoop has driven Danville to either a tying or go-ahead touchdown in the final 3 minutes of the fourth quarter. But Friday’s loss was also the third in those four games for the Ironmen.
    “All I can do is shake my head,” Danville coach Jeremy Winn said. “What do you say to the kids? They gave a great effort and played with heart and kept their composure. It speaks volumes of the character these kids have when they keep coming back against these great opponents.”
    Montoursville had left far too much time on the clock when tailback Josh Cillo scored his third touchdown of the game — this time on an 8-yard pass from quarterback Chad Jacobson — with 1:19 left in the fourth quarter. Danville had two timeouts, and Shoop had already led scoring drives of 77, 64, 53 and 50 yards in the game. So facing another 77-yard trek was of no concern to the Ironmen.
    Quickly, Shoop ate up a big chunk of the yardage with completions of 9 yards to Nick Bloskey (five catches, 91 yards), and 12 and 15 yards to Eric Ryman (seven catches, 162 yards), who caught his first career TD in the third quarter.
    “We knew we were going to have to stop them,” Montoursville coach Jim Bergen said. “It wasn’t a matter of them running out of time.”
    And facing third-and-18 from the Warriors’ 49, Shoop found Ryman on a square-in for 24 yards to the 25. But with 12 seconds to go, as Shoop scrambled away from pressure, he tried to float a pass to running back Jonathan Mrockosky near the sideline, inside the 10.
    The pass was overthrown to Mrockosky — and underthrown to Michael Smith, who was in the end zone. Instead, it was picked off by Cillo at the 2, causing Shoop to then bury his right hand into the plush green grass.
    “It was a case where I got heated up a little bit and just put too much juice behind it,” Shoop said. “I feel like I need to take responsibility for (the loss). I put the team on my shoulders because you have to do that in these situations.
    “But these games are getting real tough to swallow.”
    The interception ended what was a feverish Danville comeback after twice trailing by two touchdowns. It was a comeback that included a blocked punt by Ironmen safety Tony Brofee that trickled out of Montoursville’s end zone for a safety and sparked the Ironmen to their first lead when Shoop threw his second touchdown of the night to Smith on the ensuing possession.
    “Tony is a kid who’s been really down on himself defensively and really been frustrated,” Winn said. “For him to come out and make a play like that was just a great effort. I’m really proud of him.”
    At 2-4, Danville will likely have to run the table in its final four games, which includes a season-ending matchup with Southern Columbia, to qualify for the District 4 Class AA field.
    “If they do get in, I hope they’re playing Athens up in the Northern Tier where it’s 4 degrees and the wind is blowing,” said Montoursville coach Jim Bergen, whose Warriors have won the last two Class AA district titles. “I don’t need to see them again.”
  2. TyWebb

    TyWebb Well-Known Member

    Just a couple of thoughts

    -Your lede takes too long. Avoiding the "nuts-and-bolts" style is all well and good, but it is still a gamer and the score and teams still need to be closer to the top. Maybe something like this would work:

    Danville’s Andrew Shoop was on all fours, straddling the sideline, reaching a hand up only to viciously rip one of his chinstrap buckles apart, loosening his helmet.
    As if that didn't display enough of his frustration over Danville's 36-29 loss to Montoursville Friday night, Shoop sent a right cross to the turf that would scare most heavyweight boxers.

    Then go into why he was frustrated, the pick, final drive etc. I'm just coming off a 12-hour shift, so if that lede makes no sense, I'm sorry.

    -I don't know how much space you had, but while you do a good job of describing the deciding drive, I have no idea how they got to that point. You don't need play by play, but giving something like a halftime score, other stat leaders, something to give me an idea for the rest of the game.

    Hope this helps (and makes sense. God I'm tired).
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