M'fkers who sing while they're calling in games.

RING.

"Daily Meatslap Sports, Starman speaking."

"Hi, I'm calling in the East Fucknut-Turdbucket Tech game."

"Superb. What was the score?"

"Ohhhhh, dum-de-dum-de-dummmmmm, ohhh, Thirty Four to, hummmm-dum-de-dummm, ohhhhh, seventeen."

"OK, score by quarters please. East Fucknut first,"

"Uhmmmmmm, lahhh deee daahhh deee dahhh, we got, uhmmmm, seven, no, 14 points in the first quarter, then, ohhh, dumm-dee-doodle-dooo, eight in the second, uhmmm, ahhhh, shooobee-doobeee-doo, six in the third, then, ohhhh, deedle deedle deee, six in the fourth."

"Uh, OK, that makes 34."

(repeat for Turdbucket Tech.)

"OK, run down the scoring as it happened."

"All right, ohhh hummm de-dumm-dumm, let's see, the first touchdown was a pass, Joe Schmoe threw it."

"To whom?"

"Ohhhh, doodle-doodle doo, dip-dee-dip dip dip, to, uhmm, let me look at my roster, ohh I think it was Pete Pudpuller, no wait, it was Freddy Fartknocker."

"How many yards?"

"Ahhhhhh, lahhh dee dah dahhhh dahhh, I guess it was 14 yards, no, it was 18."

Repeat for all the rest of the scores.

Fuckin'-A.





Repeat

 

You think you're pissed, I had two bills on Turbucket Tech to win outright.

 

Holy shit.

It could have been worse, though.

Coach: "Um, lessee, Turdbucket Tech 7 -- Moon River! Uh, you using the whole fist, coach?"

 

My favorite (this actually happened to me today):

Sports, can I help you?

Yes, I'm calling in a game.

OK, what was the score?

It was 5-3.

[A deep sigh] OK, who played?

East Podunk and South Nowhere.

[A deeper sigh] OK, who won?

We did.

[I'm hyperventalating from sighing so much] And WHO are YOU?

Oh, this is East Podunk.

The person then takes five minutes to give me a simple line score because he doesn't have the information right on hand (although, at least he didn't sing).

 

At least you guys didn't get four calls from people asking to be transferred to the mailroom.

 

I'm fairly patient with coaches, even those who TEACH and still manage to misspell every other word on the fax.

The one that frosts my ass, though, are these:

HH: Sports, this is Harley.
Coach: Yes, I have a score to report.
HH: OK, who is this and what sport?
Coach: Don't you recognize my voice?
HH: Um, no.
Coach: This is Coach Butthead from Podunk volleyball.
HH: Oh, NOW I recognize your voice!
Coach: Yeah, we played Twatfuck High tonight.
HH: OK; what was the score of the games? (As I'm typing in the agate)
Coach: The first game was 26- ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... (long pause), um, 28. ... we lost.
HH: %$@#! (under my breath).

Seriously. Nothing gets me more than some backwoods coach who sends in the results with the LOSING score first.

 

Honest to God, I got a call today from a dude asking what time zone we're in.

 

"My paper didn't come with the TV Times."

Every Sunday ... without fail ...

 

i get that one every nowandagain. my standard reply: you didn't? god, neither did i. i need to find out who to talk to about that.

 

this happened to me a week ago, except he followed it up with "Will we be switching it anytime soon?"

 

Caller: Um, yeah, you need to put a correction in your little paper.
HH: OK, is this a coach.
Caller: You messed up on an ad on the sports pages.
HH: I'm sorry. You'll need to contact the advertising department from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. weekedays.
Caller: You can't fix it?
HH: I'm sorry, no.
Caller: But it's on the sports page.

 

Worked with one guy, who would take down the address and drive a TV Times over to the poor little old lady. He recommended that I start doing the same, so I gave him my best 'get bent' look and told him to fuck off.