Marriage Proposals, Weddings and Divorces

Me: Financial aid says I'm about to reach my borrowing limit as a dependent student. I won't be able to afford to finish school until I turn 24 or get married. So we should get married so I can finish school or I'll be working at Sbarro the rest of my life.

Of course, since I've been unemployed for two years, so Sbarro looks like a great opportunity, and the joke is on her!

 

It's not as bad as the best man who said "We knew he was serious about settling down when he quit dating the Jew" during a toast at the rehearsal dinner.

 

Hate to bring the room down, but I found out the Methodist minister who married me and my ex-wife has passed away. Dropped dead of a heart attack at age 41. I went to college with him and his wife, and they also worked at my first newspaper while he was going to seminary.

 

Can we include baby announcements? Because I loved this:

 

Proposed on a trip to Ireland at the Cliffs of Moher. I'm not the kind of guy that likes to draw attention to myself in public, so I had never been more nervous. I had her in a hug and said something a long the lines of "wouldn't this be an amazing place to get engaged?" When she said yes to that, I busted out the ring (the diamonds were from my great grandmother's ring -- my grandmother and mom gave them to me to make the engagement ring.) Only thing I forgot to do was get down on one knee. And I get shit for it frequently.

 

I am as cynical as they come, but have a spot on my mushy browned malformed pear of a heart for these reunions. The little kids are thrilled by them.

 

Totally self-absorbed.

 

And if she said no, you could chuck yourself over the edge or throw her over the edge. It's a win-win.

 

Bingo!

 

The worst two that I saw were: 1) the best man who completely locked up and couldn't remember his speech. He wasn't drunk, but was so nervous that he drew a complete blank and someone had to sub in; and 2) the former roommate of the groom who described the groom picking up the bride at the bar and bringing her back to their place, the noises that they made that night and how good she looked the next morning. Her family was not amused.

I've given three best man speeches, during each of which I used the same early joke "Tradition says that I'm supposed to tell a story or a joke which embarrasses the groom. But after watching him attempt to dance, he's had enough embarrassment for one night."

My only near hiccup was that I really didn't know one of the brides that well -- a law school friend was in a long term relationship which ended badly a year before he got engaged. I kept on calling the bride by the ex-girlfriend's name, both to her face and when I was practicing the speech. I came through in the clutch but was very nervous about it.

 

If we're talking hoary old toast chestnuts, I always chuckle at "It's very noble of XXX to acknowledge that I am, in fact, the best man."

The best one I ever saw was at my brother-in-law's wedding. The best man gave a speech that consisted of "advice" he had "collected" from all the other groomsmen, including, "Justin's note just said, 'I can't believe I had to spend $100 on a tux.' That's it."

 

Ran the "Key" ceremony for my sister's wedding.

I told the crowd that the groom's ex was at the wedding and she still had the key to his place. I then asked her to come up and give the key to my sister as a sign of the new marriage. . .a new beginning.

Now, prior to the speech, I had passed out a half-dozen or so keys to the hottest girls at the wedding and one to a 70-year old lady. One-by-one the girls came up and gave my sister their keys and when the old lady came up, the crowd roared.

Unfortunately. . . my sister was a wreck. Hindsight tells me that it probably wasn't the best thing to do to the one family member with issues about their self-worth.