Marriage problems

What are the odds freqposter & OpenHeart are husband and wife?

Do you guys both like piña coladas?

 

A split's definitely looking like an option at some point, but I think we're both hoping to stagger into the new year before we get to that stage. Neither of us wants to be away from the kids on two major holidays.

 

I know this may not solve the problem(s) but I found this interesting as to one person's take on what makes a great marriage:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-neil-clark-warren/the-elusive-marital-ingre_b_1093859.html

 

I'm very sorry to hear about what you're going through. I can't give you any advice based on first hand knowledge of being in a relationship.

However, as a child of divorce, I CAN emphasize to you in no uncertain terms that you and your wife MUST do everything in your power to not involve the kids. Resist whatever temptation there may be to drag your children into it, unwittingly or otherwise. Don't you dare talk bad about your wife to your children.

You may have as much animosity toward her as notwhoireallyam had toward wifeslut, or feel she deserves the same level of scorn, but you must remember that she's still your children's mother.

As an aside, parents who drag their kids into their battles, who make their kids intermediaries between themselves and who badmouth their ex-spouses toward their kids really, really piss me off. Like I have to leave the room before I get tempted to punch the walls or call them every name in the book.

 

I can echo this. My natural father was/is a dishonest, manipulator, unfaithful spouse. Yet even though he was caught unfaithful (in the '70s) and totally ignored his duties at home, my mom never badmouthed him to my sister and I. She just let us form our own opinions (nothing lonelier than waiting for a pickup from dad that doesn't happen.)

Despite this background, my sister and I are in two very strong, long marriages, due in large part due to our mom's actions.

Good luck Openheart.

 

Thanks again, everyone. Not doing so hot this morning. In fact, I may be at the lowest point of my life. I reached out to a cousin who's divorced -- her choice -- and she said she still feels guilty four years later that she's not there for her kids and she thinks weekly about how much more stability and consistency her kids with have if their parents were still together. I don't want that to be me in a few years.

I also don't want to feel as wholly unloved as I so often do. I had two of the people I loved most in my life die suddenly and unexpectedly, but I always thought my marriage was a definite. Now, facing the prospect of losing that, too, I truly feel sometimes like I'm coming unglued, maybe forever.

I know none of you know me, but I would truly do anything to make this marriage work again. There isn't anything you could ask me to try that I wouldn't try.

Am I pathetic? Idealistic? In denial? Devoted? All of the above? I don't know. All I know is that life is kicking my ass these days.

 

Open, you're obviously in pain, and you've said a lot about the problems you're having, but to me, it all boils down to this:

Your problem is the lack of intimacy. If you're going to work on one thing, work on that. And, if you're going to ask yourself one question, ask yourself if you can feel/reach that level of intimacy again.

I don't want to turn this into a bad stereotype of a guy's advice, and because the idea for this specific "challenge" originated from a church, it may be ridiculed, but basically, the advice is: have sex more often.

I'm not a religious nut, but this story was in the news a few years ago, and I think it makes sense:

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1818197,00.html

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/02/20/earlyshow/living/relationships/main3850842.shtml

http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=3233072&page=1

And, actually, in looking at it, the last link is from a year before the first two, and has no religious angle to it.

It's simple really. It's about making time for each other, and specifically about making time to be intimate with each other.

 

You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to be happy.
Period.

You and your kids will be much better off in the long run if you are doing whatever it is you choose to do for YOU and your well-being!

Divorce is not all that uncommon and hasn't been for a long time and to that end, neither are the kids of divorced parents and single-parent homes.

 

It's sounding as if you're blaming yourself. Screw that. This stuff is always a two-way street. Wanting to work on it is admirable. "At all costs," tho...not so sure you should do all at the cost of self-esteem and what you know reality to be

 

Get through the holidays, focus on your kids and not your marriage right now. Too much pressure.

You seem to really want to work on it, but don't make it your problem to solve alone. Maybe he has to realize what he would be losing before he'll work as hard to figure it out.

 

Problem with marriage is it isn't looked upon as a covenant agreement. It's discarded at the first sign of trouble or inconvenience much too often. Sometimes when you go through the tough times and come out of it, you're stronger and so is your relationship. Then your kids can see that life isn't always easy but the value of commitment is high. It takes two, though, and that's what makes it a covenant.