Mark your calendars- 4/12/39 is the day I'll die ...

Behold ... the Death Clock!

 

Jan. 12, 2062

 

I ran mine as someone who was pessimistic. Then ran it as optimistic. I'll live 40 years longer.

I decided I'm going to be optimistic from now on.

 

Me too ... but of course I'll just fuck it up.

 

So I was going to die in 2034, but then I messed with that "mode" thing and changed "Normal" to "Optimistic" and I suddenly got 24 more years and am going to die two weeks short of my 98th birthday.

Damn, I don't think i want to live that long.

 

I couldn't do it. That BMI thing is bullshit. I'm supposed to be obese cause I'm 5'8" and 205? Not when you have some solid muscle in the chest and quad areas.

 

Cape, you're going to die on my 112th birthday. When you get up there, let me know what I missed.

 

Maybe you'll finally come to your senses and vote Democratic by then.

 

Did you mention you won't spank your children?

I heard those parents live much shorter lives.

 

Friday, March 17, 2051. I'll live to 78 years old.

I can't believe that I'm going to die on St. Patty's Day. At least I hope I get in some serious drinking before I die on that day.

 

Nov. 14, 2059.

Just short of my 92nd birthday. Most of my relatives lived well into their 80s and even into the mid-90s (my maternal grandmother is 94), so I figure that number's about right.

At least I won't have to sit through one last presidential primary campaign.

(According to the sadistic setting, I died 3½ years ago. I feel pretty spry for a dead man. )

 

July 23, 2031, which would make me only 63. It's total bullshit. I have insane longevity on both sides of my family, including more than one family member who lived past 100. Plus, you guys will just be getting over the loss of shockey and won't want to start mourning all over again.