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Looking for responce

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by spikechiquet, May 10, 2007.

  1. spikechiquet

    spikechiquet Well-Known Member

    I have been writing a while, but always appreciate some constructive comments:

    I'll post a few, here is a HS hoops gamer:

    SMITHVILLE — For one half of basketball, Smithville looked like a Mid-Valley contender.
    Then 6-7 center Zac Hueter hit a three-pointer to start the third quarter with Jonesville up one.
    “The big kid (Hueter) hit that three and they went up four,” Smithville coach Brad Brown said. “Then it just kept going from there.”
    A 19-2 run in fact.
    “19-2 huh? Ouch,” Brown said. “Well, when we play good teams, we usually get blown out early so we competed with them.
    “That was the best that we could have played.”
    That 19-2 run to start the third quarter took a 31-30 halftime lead into a 50-32 advantage.
    Smithville never recovered, losing the MV contest, 69-52.
    “I give Brad a lot of credit,” Jonesville coach Jim Marshall said on the “Rock 101.1 FM PostGame Show” after the game. “He is trying to change the mindset around here.
    “Any time you go on the road in this conference, you are going to take some hits.”
    The Tigers (1-6, 0-4 MV) had a strong start thanks to an up-tempo game that saw both teams scoring at will - but at the sake of running so fast that turnovers were the norm along with buckets.
    Trailing 16-10 in the first, the Tigers cut it to 18-17 after one quarter of play on 5-of-13 shooting.
    Jonesville was 6-for-12 in the first, but a three by Steve Crosby took the game to one-point heading into the second.
    There, Jonesville (5-3, 2-2) was outscored 8-4 as the Tigers took a 25-22 lead.
    It bounced back-and-forth before Matt Jacobson - who scored a game high 16 points - was fouled with :0.7 seconds left in the half, trailing 30-29.
    He knocked down both and gave the team back the lead.
    After the break, Smithville looked different than they pumped up team that took it to the Broncos earlier.
    Brown agrees.
    “Either it’s my half-time speeches or what Jimmy did,” Brown said with a laugh to explain the turnaround. “I’ll have to look at the tape.
    “We went back to our old ways of trying to do to much. Forcing the ball, making bad passes and then they scored so many points so quick. I looked up and saw we were down 18 after a couple of timeouts we were out of the game quick.”
    Marshall said nothing was changed except working the perimeter to take away the Smithville rotation that worked so well early.
    “It wasn’t anything magical,” he said of his half-time speech. “If you could bottle that you could make a lot of money.
    “We had to come out and be mentally tough in the second half, and they showed that.”
    Smithville had time to get back into the game, but attempted three-pointers instead of working the ball inside like they did in the first half.
    Guards like Colton Oedy (six points) and Alex Rieck (eight) had their opportunities inside, but could not capitalize.
    Sophomore forward Andrew LaPointe led the team with nine.
    Four players hit for double figures for Jonesville.
    Along with Jacobson’s 16, Kyle Bonner, Ricky Raymond and Hueter each had 12.
    Duncan Bone added nine in the win.
    “We still had time to get back into it,” Brown said. “But that was a good team. We competed with them for three quarters. The third killed us.
    “It’s a helpless feeling to watch the other team just roar.”

    •Notes: All 12 Smithville players played significant minutes in the game for Smithville as all but two scored in the game.
    “Really there is no set lineup,” Brown said. “When you are a new coach and you have to start a new program, you give everyone a chance.
    “Everyone that came in, contributed and Brett (Sakuta) and Travis (Thompson) needed the rest. Fresh guys are always better.”
  2. dawgpounddiehard

    dawgpounddiehard Active Member

    Thanks for posting...

    First off, it's spelled r-e-s-p-o-n-S-e

    Now, to your story. The lede has waaaay to many numbers. A good rule of thumb is to place the score high in the story before you give the reader any other scores. Before I find what the final score is, I read over a "19-2 run" "6-7 player" "31-30 halftime lead" "50-32 advantage".

    That's too much!

    Now, the first half of basketball game generally does not need ANY play-by-play. At least that's how I handle it. Sure, you can look for matchups, trends or if some guy scores 30 points... things like that... but you have way too much play-by-play and it confuses the reader.

  3. spikechiquet

    spikechiquet Well-Known Member

    I should point this out...I call the basketball games in the area, then turnaround and write the stories. It's a cross-pub thing with the radio station (we are owned by the same corp.)
    Hence, why the quotes appear like they are coming off the radio...cause they are, and I'm the one asking the questions.
    Should have made that clear, thanks though Dawg!
  4. forever_town

    forever_town Well-Known Member

    Your lede is confusing. Who does the 6-foot-7 center play for? Why is the fact Smithville looks like a contender worth mentioning in the lede? The final score should be in the first graf or at the absolute latest second or third, depending how you write the story.
  5. Hank_Scorpio

    Hank_Scorpio Active Member

    Like others have said, that's way too many numbers in the first part of the story. The first and only number should be the final score.

    As far as attributing the comments to the radio show, I'd say you don't need to do it. Especially since you were the one asking the questions AND you are owned by the company.
  6. spikechiquet

    spikechiquet Well-Known Member

    Mandate to promote that we air postgame interviews. My hands are tied...

    As for the numbers, I agree. I actually added the 6-7 center part in after reading it. That never made the story.

    Does the fact that we run a graphic with the final score inside the story account for anything? That way people know what the score is when they look at the story regardless. Just looking for input.
  7. forever_town

    forever_town Well-Known Member

    Always include the final score in the lede. Never assume someone's going to look at the graphic.
  8. expendable

    expendable Well-Known Member

    I second this. I have first-hand experience.
  9. Jones

    Jones Active Member

    I don't believe you have to put the score in the lede; first four grafs is fine, I think, if you're writer a kind of feature-gamer. (I know this is a subject we can debate about endlessly, but if the score is in the display, I think you can take a little time to get to it.) But it should be the first score mentioned, that's double true.
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