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Local player makes first AHL trip to Ontario

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by Top Prospect, Mar 6, 2008.

  1. Top Prospect

    Top Prospect New Member

    Hey everyone,
    I'm just looking for some feedback on a story I wrote for my local paper. This is how it appeared in the paper.
    Thanks for reading

    HAMILTON - The road trip had been circled on the calendar since the start of the season.

    Facing three games in three nights, two of them against legitimate league heavyweights, is one thing; having more than 100 friends and family coming from all over Ontario just to see you play, is another.

    That’s exactly what former Parry Sound Jr. 'A' Shamrock Chris Lee looked forward to this past weekend when his Iowa Stars made their lone trip to Ontario this season.

    “It’s always nice when you can have people come watch you play,” said a smiling Mr. Lee. “You know it’s pretty close to home. And it’s nice to see so many people. I had a ton of friends out there. It was pretty exciting”

    Mr. Lee was just one of six Stars hailing from Ontario. They came out shooting on Friday night against the Hamilton Bulldogs. The Stars out-shot the defending American Hockey League (AHL) champions 42-23 and won 6-0.

    Mr. Lee didn’t disappoint the 5,197 fans who traveled through heavy snow to catch the game. With less than five minutes remaining, Mr. Lee let a slapshot go from the blue-line, beating the Hamilton goalie, Cedrick Desjardins, for his sixth goal of the season.

    “The place erupted when I buried that one,” joked Mr. Lee after the game.

    The crowd of 3,548 was even louder for the visitors when they made their way to Toronto to face the Marlies at the Ricoh Centre on Saturday night.

    The Stars’ James Neal’s last-minute goal forced overtime and led to a marathon shootout. Finally the Stars’ seventh shooter, Mr. Neal, scored, blocker side, to win the game in the shootout.

    "We have a younger speedier team,” said Stars’ assistant coach Paul Jerrard. “We were down two, but were resilient and came back.”

    With the two wins, the Stars were able to keep their slim playoff hopes alive.

    “With our position right now we needed those wins,” said Mr. Lee. “We need as many as we can get right now.”

    Playing in the American Hockey League is still new to Mr. Lee. In only his first full AHL season, he’s taking a regular shift for the Dallas Stars’ farm team.

    Mr. Jerrard attributes Mr. Lee’s ice time to his vision with the puck.

    “He was brought here as more of a power play special teams guy,” said Mr. Jerrard. “He’s got a great ability to keep the puck in. He knocks down a lot of pucks. He skates. He moves the puck really well.”

    It may be his skills that got him to Iowa, but it’s his work ethic both on and off the ice that’s keeping him there.

    “He comes to work to get better everyday,” said Mr. Jerrard. “He’s been a positive influence on the defence for us.”

    The Stars wrapped up their road trip with a 5-3 loss to the Rochester Americans on Sunday night. Mr. Lee finished the trip with one goal and a plus three rating.

    “I would like to have a few more points, but I’m doing alright I think,” said Mr. Lee. “As long as I keep it going and finish strong, I’ll be happy.”
  2. Stitch

    Stitch Active Member

    Put a name in the lede. Also, where did you get quotes from. Did you attend all the games?

    Use said, not joked.

    Plus, this seems like a feature that lost its way toward the end. Keep it focused on Lee.
  3. friend of the friendless

    friend of the friendless Active Member

    Mr Prospect,

    Mr Stitch makes a good suggestion. Your subject in the lead would be an option.

    Chris Lee had circled the dates on his calendar back at the start of the season, three games in three nights, etc

    You talk about the playoffs -- maybe you could allude to the chances of Lee's team making it to the playoffs and playing in Ontario in the post-season.

    YD&OHS, etc
  4. Top Prospect

    Top Prospect New Member

    Thanks for the feedback. Yes, I attended the games and got the quotes myself.
  5. Stitch

    Stitch Active Member

    Two more things. I would capture why the AHL means so much to Lee, since Canadian prospects usually go the OHL route. How is Lee's work ethic helping him? Is it just staying after or does he do things on off days?
  6. friend of the friendless

    friend of the friendless Active Member

    Mr Stich,

    Actually, the AHL is a pro league, rather than a jr league. Didn't pick A over O. I would note that he was a free agent, signed with Stars after coming out of SUNY Potsdam and another pro stop.

    YD&OHS, etc
  7. Stitch

    Stitch Active Member

    I know that. So does anyone besides this guy's family and friends in the stands care about him. If he is just a free agent who signed with the Stars out of college, I would say no. Just another player from Ontario. The story made it seem as if we need to care about him, but why?
  8. Flash

    Flash Guest

    You have to use honorariums in sports?
  9. friend of the friendless

    friend of the friendless Active Member

    Mr Stich,

    This story was for his hometown paper -- small hometown for that matter. Parry Sound, which is noted in the piece.

    YD&OHS, etc
  10. Top Prospect

    Top Prospect New Member

    With a population of 6500, and Lee having played on the local junior team before college, everyone in the town knows who he is. Which is why the paper wanted a story. I would have loved to have included more but I was already too long.

    Thanks for the suggestions.
  11. tagline

    tagline Member

    You first sentence says: "The road trip had been circled on the calendar since the start of the season."

    I ask, was there really a calendar with this circled? Or is this just a way to say someone was looking forward to something?
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