Living in BFE: A Primer

I've been living in BFE for almost two months now. This is my first time living in a place where the population of the whole county is under 20,000.

It's a nice enough place, but I've learned some things about living in BFE:

- Everything closes at 9 p.m. If I ever need Ny-Quil at 1 a.m., I'm SOL.

- All the locals wear multiple hats. The municipal judge is also the high school basketball coach. The athletic department secretary is the mother of the star Little Leaguer. You can never say anything bad about anybody because you never know who they are related to.

- Everyone here goes to church. Different churches, but they all go. If you admit you don't go to church, you simultaneously become the town heathen and fresh meat for attempted conversion.

- Also, half the town knows where I live and what my phone number is.

- If an event starts at 10 a.m., and you show up at 9:30 thinking you'll be well-prepared, nobody will be there. They will all show up at 9:55.

- I've learned consumer patience. If my printer runs out of ink, or I have a craving for blueberries, or if I need to buy shoes, it's an hour-and-a-half round trip to the nearest "big city". No longer can I just pop out and buy things, the way I did when I was 20 minutes from Target, Sam's and Ikea.

- You have to be careful what you buy. Not that I've attempted to purchase any of these items, but I realized that I never could without serious gossip repercussions: condoms, large quantities of beer or liquor, home pregnancy test, porn, Preparation-H, Depends, illegal drugs, nose hair trimmer, Zima or tabloid magazines.

- Speaking of gossip, I can never date anyone here. I see how the hens in my newsroom gossip over the police blotter and the small-town soap opera. If I want to avoid being the subject of conversation, I'll be keeping to myself.


For those who are veterans of living in BFE, is there anything else I have to look forward to?

 

Well, provided you like fish, Fridays during high school football season aren't bad.

Come in to the office, do some prep work, answer emails, etc... then head to dinner at one of the several places that have a decent all you can eat fish fry, then head to the game.

 

My particular corner of BFE is so land-locked that nobody dares attempt a fish fry! But that does sound good...

 

They sell mesh hats that read "World's Greatest Grandpa" at the convenience store, right next to dust-covered Waylon Jennings cassette tapes for $8.99. And Zippo lighters with Confederate insignia that scream "GIT 'ER DUUUUUNE" when you hit the flint.

 

I don't live in BFE but I'd talk about you too if I found you you were buying Zima.

 

Realize that being a topic of gossip doesn't mean anyone really gives a shit what you do.

Just live your life and let them talk.

 

Bingo night!

 

Hey, there are several things on that list I wouldn't be caught dead buying, regardless of location!

I'm just very, very grateful that I live in BFE in the internet age.

 

I hate to be the dumb one, but what is BFE?

 

If you want to fuck with people go to the store and buy some hamster food, condoms, motor oil, D cell batteries and a couple drill bits.

Then ask the guy at the checkout counter where you can buy a ball gag for a horse.

 

Cadet,

I feel for you. Of course, I lived in a town of 20,000 in a county of 95,000 thought it was BFE. At least parts of it anyway.

Back then, it was a dry county, too.

And, fortunately, I had a girlfriend/wife. I don't think I could have survived the (lack of) dating scene.

 

It's a euphamism for "middle of nowhere". The actual interpretation varies, but I've always known it to be "butt f*ing Egypt".