LIVE from the DMV........Its Chef.

Our DMV opens at 8 a.m. or 8:30 a.m., can't remember which. When I have to go, I get there 30 minutes before opening and generally there are only 1-2 other people waiting. I'll gladly wait in my car for 30 minutes for it to open to be in and out in 10 minutes.

Same with the local Social Security office, although the one time I visited I still had to wait about 30 minutes even though I was No. 4 or 5 in line.

 

Fuck you.
Lol

 

Not going to lie, the build up to this pic only to have a broken jpg was more than disappointing

 

Half!

 

Appointment.

License Express.

In and out / under 20 minutes.

Zoom.

 

Wow. I bet that was comical and almost fun.

And that lady - she sounds almost like she could be a good message board moderator.


I’m joking - don’t you guys take that personally. I don’t know if any of you are squat.

 

God bless New York, and New Yorkers.

 

I don't know what happened.
It was on here for a bit.

 

If I was still in Arizona, my license wouldn't be expiring for another 17 years.

 

I remember standing in the checkout line buying groceries at a Super Wal-Mart. A woman walked past me, and in her tramp stamp spot above her low rider jeans she had, I shit you not, the Biohazard trefoil. I just started laughing. I wanted so badly to get a picture of this ultimate fail tattoo, but all my groceries were on the checkout belt and there was someone in front of me. I mean, what the hell possessed the woman to declare her nether regions a biohazard site?

 

Renewals happen at 0 and 5 birthdays. The last time I went, there was a woman who kept demanding they take her picture over and over and over. They do ask you if you're happy with the photo. I don't know how long she'd been there, but they worked her in after taking care of four or five people. They'd take her picture, she'd hate it, then they'd tell her to wait while they took care of other photos, rinse and repeat.

I first noticed her while I was seated. She had her back to me and was bouncing up and down as she tapped the counter while she addressed the Homeland Security lady in a voice that was pure Upcountry lisping nasal twang that just missed being audible only to dogs.

"I'm sorry. This is awful. It won't do. You have to take this again."

The lady doing the pictures was being polite and patient. She was actually pretty kind. Still, she stood her ground and sighed as she told her they needed to let some other folks get their IDs done and get on with their days.

"Really?" The lady cocked her head to the side, causing her fluffy, blonde pigtails to floof out. They seemed to have lives of their own. "Really? You can't just..."

"No. Please have a seat and I'll call you up here again."

The man sitting next to me was enjoying the drama, possibly for different reasons. Our girl wore leggings, tall riding boots, and a chambray shirt tied at the waist. She was short, wiggly, and had what my Best Gay Boyfriend would call a buttery figure. My neighbor looked disappointed as she started to sit down. Then she changed her course and planted herself next to the place where we had to stand to get our mug shots taken and stared at each person who took the position and smiled at the blue dot.

She did not move. She was not going to move until she had a picture she liked.

When it was my turn, I walked to the backdrop. Baby shifted from foot to foot and sighed. I smiled at her. She- Okay, this board is mostly men, so you might not be familiar with this gesture. Baby looked me up and down. This is an intimidation tactic intended to make the person looked upon feel insecure about their appearance.* Sorry for the digression. That was when I realized something that flew by everyone who had not seen her face yet. This was not some southern fried pouter pigeon of a teen with debutante-ish delusions getting her first driver's license. This woman was my age. I gasped and went into former-verger-clasped-hands-mode when I saw this and the photographer lady had to ask me to put my hands down.

Here's the thing: She was pretty. Without the makeup and the weird hair, she would have turned heads nearly anywhere. Instead, she look like Donna Douglas still glamming it up as Ellie Mae Clampett at one of those nostalgia conventions.

All I felt at that point was sad for her.

The pitcher lady asked me if I was happy with my ID shot. Yes, I was. It's one of the most flattering photos I've had on any kind of laminate. It looks like me, only better. It also looks like the middle-aged woman I am. I'll take it. I hope Ellie Mae eventually left the DMV happy.


*Stu Grimson once tried the middle school "You're so ugly you hurt my eyes" thing on me and I stared him down while talking to him like the adult he wasn't. No, baby. That doesn't work on me.