little big man shockey

There really has to be a commercial in your future, Shockey.

*voiceover* "You've raised a good, honest, smart, truthful boy."

(images of Shockey Jr. helping old ladies across the street)

*voiceover* "Now it's time for him to begin going into the real world and to become a man."

(images of Shockey Jr.'s HS graduation and his driving to college with the family)

*voiceover* "He's going to be on his own for the first time."

(image of a tentative-looking Shockey moving into his dorm room and walking across campus)

*voiceover* "and nothing says go get 'em son like a 14-pack of Trojan condoms...extended pleasure, just in case."

(image of a drunk-as-shit Shockey Jr. making out with some girl whose breasts are falling out of her top)

*voiceover* "He's got four years--at least--of casual sex ahead of him. All on your bill, of course."

(image of Shockey Jr. rolling over and expressing shock--ha!--at the Omega Mu he brought home)

*voiceover* "And it'll be tough enough to stay in school..."

(image of an obviously hungover Shockey holding a paper that says "F" on it)

*voiceover* "...without worryign about having to raise a kid."

(image of a relieved Shockey Jr. and his girlfriend throwing out a pregnancy test)

*voicever* "Trojans. Because if you don't buy them, you hate your son."

(image of Shockey Jr. graduating from college...and pushing a three-year-old who looks just like him out of view of the camera)

 

Cripes, it seems like just last week he went to prom and he used up the box of prom condoms you bought him.

 

Man, I thought this might have something to do with living with the Plains Indians and screwing a bunch of their women, a la the Dusting Hoffman movie "Little Big Man."

 

flash, i just appeciate that you didn't use the sarcasm font here. thanks, whether or not you mean it.

 

Daaamn!

 

So Shockey bought him the brand he's used all his life...

 

or be realistic and know he's going to have sex in college like 95% of people do. Nothing creepy about it.

 

This brings up a funny moment from a Spanish class I took in college.

The instructor was leading a discussion about sex education in the school system and the one student there who was older than I was (and no, it wasn't spnited) was basically saying it was unnecessary. A bunch of us were arguing that it was.

Finally, the instructor had enough. She burst out -- in English -- "C'mon. Middle school kids are having sex. Wake up!" We were all like "daaaamn!" In English.

 

Or he can get beer money selling them to his roomates and hallmates

Seriously -- congrats on the son going off to college and very cool going away present you got him.