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Leesburg Lightning at Deland Suns

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by cstefanisko, Jun 23, 2011.

  1. cstefanisko

    cstefanisko New Member

    Rood brilliant with no run support
    Suns hitters shutout on opening night

    Chad Rood (Stetson) worked in relief of starter Eric Green (St. Petersburg) tonight for the Suns, and was the lone star for Deland who would go on to fall to an 0-2 record. It was a do-it yourself night for Rood as he controlled the middle of the game, giving his club an opportunity to take control of the game. The Suns hitters fell short however and would go on to be shutout 5-0 in front of the home crowd.

    Green pitched well limiting the hot Lightning offense to just three runs which was a breath of fresh air coming off the blowout that took place the night before in Leesburg. Rood really stood out though, striking out five batters in just four innings of work in which he did not allow a run. The hometown pitcher was all business, on the field and in the dugout where he really looked comfortable and focused waiting for his next inning of work. He may have gotten the loudest response from the home crowd all night when he snagged a come backer only to catch the runner on third wandering too far off the bag. Follow that with a next batter pitch-out to end the inning as Leesburg was cut down trying to steal second base with a three run lead.

    Line for Deland’s Chad Rood: 4.0IP 3H 0R BB 5SO

    On a night when the Deland pitching staff really bounced back, the offense was really lacking. Really failing to get anything going, the Suns hitters showed more patience tonight as they worked counts getting guys on base who would then be left stranded or involved in double plays.

    Andre Colon (St. Thomas) continued his struggles from Thursday night as his error came on the mound tonight. Colon misplayed a slow roller back to the mound over running it a little bit. Colon was 0 for 4 at the plate with no strikeouts. He hit the ball hard at times, just right at the defense. He was seeing the ball well so he may be due Sunday for a big game.

    The Deland Suns (0-2) will be hosting the Sanford River Rats (1-1) tomorrow at 5 PM, Melching Field at Conrad Park. Deland will be looking to slow the bat of Austin Liput (USC upstate) who has been hot of late for Sanford.
  2. cstefanisko

    cstefanisko New Member

    Oh and, Colon had the winning 2 RBI double in the 8th the next day. Should I have used more details in certain places??? Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you!

    CMS 8)
  3. Stitch

    Stitch Active Member

    Read a game story from any number of papers and see the basics of a baseball game story. There are too many errors for me to be helpful.

    You don't have to use "really" five times or even twice in a sentence. Really.
  4. cstefanisko

    cstefanisko New Member

    I think you may be wrong here. I used it twice (and a total of only three times) in the same sentence, but for a reason. As soon as something positive happened for the baseball team, something went wrong. See how I used something twice??? Is this not effective in conveying a redundant feeling... or the same old story feeling?
  5. Stitch

    Stitch Active Member

    Use commas when there is a natural pause. Even if you're writing for the team, you don't need to be overly positive. Let stats and plays tell the story instead of flowerly adjectives. Eliminate the sentence describing the pitcher as all business on and off the field. It's not needed and how can you tell if a pitcher is all business in the dugout?
  6. cstefanisko

    cstefanisko New Member

    I like the other ideas in your post, and will definitely keep it in mind. Thank you.

    You can tell if a pitcher is all business as your vantage point can see his dugout. He disposes of the batters, walks confidently into the dugout (stepping on the foul line is optional) , puts a jacket on immediately to keep his arm warm, and pays attention to the field. (Oppose to the other players who are playing with baseballs and looking at the sky... or dozing off.
  7. SF_Express

    SF_Express Active Member

    CMS, I agree with Stitch on simply reading basic baseball game stories for how they're constructed. Starting with the parentheticals in the first graf, there are just a lot of issues in this. See in the second sentence how you have "of the game" twice in two clauses. That's not for effect, it's just awkward.

    Having 0-2 before 5-0 is a problem, too; "shutout" in that use would be two words; "however" in the third sentence is awkward and needs commas if you use it there, but you shouldn't; Deland is a which, not a who, and you need a comma after Deland in any case.

    And we're still in the first paragraph.

    If you want feedback, fine, but when you come in here asking for it, expect to get it. Immediately pushing back on the first person who comments isn't going to make you better.
  8. jr/shotglass

    jr/shotglass Well-Known Member

    SF's comment on 0-2 before 5-0 ... take it to heart. I had a LOT of trouble finding the final score of the game. And I don't care who the audience is, that's a cardinal error.

    Also, if you're writing a 20-inch story, you may have the room to use sentences like, "The hometown pitcher was all business, on the field and in the dugout where he really looked comfortable and focused waiting for his next inning of work." But for a quick story, stick with what's in front of you. Don't get into so much subjective picture-painting. Give people facts.

    Another example: "He was seeing the ball well so he may be due Sunday for a big game." That's something you tell the guy sitting next to you watching the game. That's not something you put in a quick game report.

    I do understand the audience you're writing for. And I still say if you write a good journalistic game story, you'll serve your audience better than making these little comments. This isn't an American Legion all-star game where the score doesn't matter at all. In summer collegiate leagues, they're still playing to win or lose. The game means something, and you sort of fought that throughout your piece.


    As far as taking the criticism here, here's the point I want to make.

    If I, as a young writer, had come on here and posted one of my early stories, it would have gotten dissected pretty good. And I would have been riddled with self-doubt and probably wouldn't have wanted to post my stories anymore.

    But here's the thing. If I got past my insecurities, and just used the criticism to improve, I'd have become a much better writer, much more quickly. Because there are a lot of writing veterans who can teach you loads in a forum like this. Two of my friends here provided examples on this thread alone.

    So take it for what it is ... don't be defensive ... and let it improve you.
  9. cstefanisko

    cstefanisko New Member

    You didn't see the messages left.... they were deleted... criticism is fine with me.
  10. cstefanisko

    cstefanisko New Member

    I will keep writing to the audience. You can keep writing to other writers. It doesn't bother me any way. Thanks for the grammatical observations, but the couple of you think that article is a game story. That alone confuses me.

    The audience I recognize; the player mentioned, immediate family, friends of friends, scouts, college representatives, people looking up times of the next ball game.

    So a game summary is good for archives, but people who want stats go for the box score. A story can strike someones interest in attending a game, and be informative in giving you a sometimes slanted vision of the home team.

    There are places for inning to inning breakdowns as there are for the article I've put together. I don't want to hear about some chorus-verse-chorus baseball formula... that's a box score. Different area altogether.

    Also see: poetic license

  11. jr/shotglass

    jr/shotglass Well-Known Member

    I'm puzzled as to why you would post it on a journalists' site. You obviously don't want criticism of it on a journalistic basis.

    P.S. The scouts whom you're including in your audience are less interested in your take on a player than we are.
  12. Ace

    Ace Well-Known Member

    Who are you writing this for, stef?

    It reads like you are writing for the Deland Suns website.

    Why try to hard to point out a thin ray of goodness in a 5-0 loss?

    Also, it's jarring in a short story to read that someone looks comfortable in the dugout. Who cares?

    Get rid of "breath of fresh air" and "all business" and never use those cliches again.

    How about a quote from somebody?
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