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Latest story for The Shelbyville News

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by Patrick Murphy, May 14, 2019.

  1. Patrick Murphy

    Patrick Murphy New Member

    Hello. Here's my latest story for The Shelbyville News. Feedback is appreciated again.

    Link to story: The Shelbyville News - shelbynews.com
     
  2. Slacker

    Slacker Well-Known Member

    Where is Cooper today? Don't leave readers wondering. Big hole in story. If he's dead, tell when he died.
     
  3. jlee

    jlee Well-Known Member

    Good improvement from your last post.

    Along with Slacker’s good advice:
    — the news hook (he got an award recently) needs to be in the first two grafs (three if you have a killer feature lead).
    — Brown’s quote is a bit of dead weight. It gies in a few different directions.

    Brown was one of the players who wanted to honor Lambert.

    “I wrote a letter to the Parks Department and it was up to them to make a decision,” Brown said. “They were really anxious to do it, and we appreciated that. Because he was a founder and he should be recognized. When he and Cooper were doing this, they didn’t have all of this high-tech social media stuff. They had to knock on doors and hand out flyers. They had to put some work into it.”

    My attempt:
    The Parks Department was “anxious” to award Lambert, said his former teammate Brown, who wrote a letter recommending the honor.
    “When he and Cooper were doing this, they didn’t have all of this high-tech social media stuff,” Brown said. “They had to knock on doors and hand out flyers. They had to put some work into it.”
     
    Azyr likes this.
  4. jlee

    jlee Well-Known Member

    Also, you know what a good reporter sounds like sometimes? A toddler. Why, why, why. How, how, how. All day long. No easier question to ask. Usually gets a great response if you ask enough times.

    When we would go to Florida in the springtime, Earl was always one of our best hitters,” Lane said. “Earl was a quick starter and always our better hitter early.”
    Why?

    For each of these leagues, Lambert and Cooper would rate players from 1-5 with five being the best.
    Why?

    According to Lambert, the teams were even and the team who placed first wasn’t the team that won the tournament.
    What tournament?

    Again, thanks for posting, and keep it up!
     
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