Late night informercials

Anybody take the plunge? Any happy customers?

I'm seeing some great things about the Ab Circle Pro right now.

https://www.abcirclepro.com/?MID=1081433

 

When I was 19 and stupid, I bought a katana. I have no idea why. Just seemed like the thing to do at 4 a.m.

At times when I have insomnia, I've stayed up watching these things, and I'm surprised that I have yet to buy a Magic Bullet, ShamWow, or any landscaping equipment.

 

The Six Week Body Makeover and Robert Ferguson's Food Lovers Fat Loss System are the 2 best informercials on TV. It's also no coincidence that they (1) are full of real, honest people showcasing their great results and (2) both offer a money-back guarantee so you don't lose a penny -- and you don't have to pay a penny until you start seeing results.

Oh, and the producer of those commercials is brilliant, handsome, witty, I could go on...

 

hahahahahaa awesome, TigerVols.

I bought ProActiv one time. It worked. I didn't want to spend $20 a month any more. I stopped. Skin's still fine.

 

When I was in my "Thinking of investing in real estate" days, I spent hours watching the "Free and Clear" informercials that discussed buying houses for $500.

Then I got online, and found out that there were a lot of unhappy people who bought the book, then tried to do what the guy's system was, only to lose thousands of dollars and get lots of headaches.

 

All barriers have been broken, with the finger vibrator and penis pump commercials now in heavy rotation on presumably 'mainstream' channels like Discovery, History, NatGeo, etc etc.

(The ad for the Trojan finger vibrators is especially awesome. After the giggly meowwwy bridal shower, the starry-eyed fiancee tells her intended she got THREE -- not one, not two, but THREE -- of the little buzzers from the girls, and Meatboy bellows out, "Schhh-WEET!!" Uhmmm, buddy -- did it ever occur to you the gals might have been commenting, ever so cattily, on their opinion of your ability to 'satisfy' your honey without battery-powered assistance? No, of course it didn't.)

Now comes the deluge -- literally, in the case of the graphically illustrated douche commercials.

And of course a special mention should be made of the picturesque commercials for Colon Flow, depicting a yard-long mass of "fecal matter" pumping smartly out of the lower intestine.

Enjoy the Go.

 

There's this unreleased gem of a song I can't find on YouTube.
It was played about 30 times in 1996 on Springsteen's "Ghost of Tom Joad" tour (which was a solo acoustic tour for those who don't know) and hasn't been played since.


Sell it and they will come
by Bruce Springsteen

I fell asleep on the couch last night, woke up with the TV on.
There was a woman in tight cotton exercise shorts
And a big plastic machine she was climbing on.
She said “The Abacycle guarantees ten inches off your waist,
And 50 pounds in just 3 minutes a day.”
I went to bed knowing the revolution had been postponed
And everything was OK.

You can buy it, you can try it, go right ahead.
But don’t be fooled folks, there’s only one.
I forget the guy’s name but I know somebody must have said
Sell it and they will come boys, sell it and they will come.

I switched the channels and there was Evel Knievel,
I thought that he was dead.
I found myself sitting there quietly, hanging on every word he said.
“Now folks, the Stimulator removes all pain from your life.
And the best day of your life will be when you try this little thing out.”
The camera moved in as he said, “Now let me tell you ladies and gentlemen,
Pain is something old Evel knows a little about”

You can buy it, you can try it, that’s what I said.
But don’t be fooled folks, there’s only one.
I forget that guy’s name but I know somebody must have said
Sell it and they will come boys, sell it and they will come.

And a fellow comes on shouting “Free haircuts for life!”,
somehow you cut your hair with a vacuum cleaner.
And then I switched the channels and there was Dionne Warwick,
Communing with her psychic friends.
I watched for hours, taking warmth, comfort,
and pleasure in the things that I despise.
Touched by how much they needed me,
And that gleeful desperation in their eyes.

You can buy it, you can try it, it’ll help you in bed.
But don’t be fooled folks, there’s only one.
I forget that guy’s name but I know somebody said
Sell it and they will come boys, sell it and they will come.

So Dionne, Cher, and all my late-night friends, I drink to your health.
And Tony Little, America’s personal trainer, please kill yourself.
Now I’ve sold a few things myself in my time, and by the way folks,
there’s some t-shirts on your way outside.
Well last night I dreamed of lipstick and tight little cotton shorts
“Harder, faster”, she breathed.
“One, two, three, four, five”
Ride, Sally ride, girl, ride Sally ride.

You can buy it, you can try it, it’ll help you in bed.
But don’t be fooled folks, there’s only one.
I forget that guy’s name but somebody said
Sell it and they will come boys, sell it and they will come.

 

Parrotheads are not to be outdone by The Boss:

Money Back Guarantee:

One day you'll be glad I came around
I may be the best thing you have found Ain't much you can count on in this town
I swear I'm speaking from my heart
And I want let you down

My love is guaranteed
You're never going to see the end of me
I've got all you need
Like a ginsu knife or a bamboo steamer
Late night TV hawk-eyed screamer
You'll be the coffee I'll be the creamer
I'm money back, money back guaranteed
Money back, money back guaranteed

I just do my best to stay alive
Got a junked out car but you should see me drive
Racing down St. Charles Avenue
Ain't got much but what I got
Will sure be good for you

My love is guaranteed
You're never going to see the end of me
I've got all you need
Like a ginsu knife or a bamboo steamer
Late night TV hawk-eyed screamer
You'll be the coffee I'll be the creamer
I'm money back, money back guaranteed
Money back, money back guaranteed

Flyin' down the highway of my dreams
You will find my crazy love
Is always what it seems

My love is guaranteed
You're never going to see the end of me
I've got all you need
Like a ginsu knife or a bamboo steamer
Late night TV hawk-eyed screamer
You'll be the coffee I'll be the creamer
I'm money back, money back guaranteed
Money back, money back guaranteed

 

I bought one of those Magic Bullet mixers/choppers, it isn't that bad.

 

Here's some pure-quality nightmare fuel. Once again, Trojan.

 

Anyhoo, bought the Pasta Boat; works like a champ. My wife would buy something off every one of them "as seen on TV" commercials if she could.

 

If you really want one I can give you my uncle's #. I'm sure he'll sell it to you at a discount. He's a big ol' boy; said he used it for a few weeks but then quit. He said it was easy but made you sore. If I had to guess I'd say he's 5-9, 340 pounds.