Last Time You Threw a Punch?

Fifth grade.
Some overweight kid stole my basketball while I was shooting hoops, so I punched him in the gut. He fell down on the ground and started crying and I got detention for a week.
I may have punched my older brother once or twice after that, but I am not real sure.

I've been in a lot of near fights and a couple of times when I was getting ready to just do the deed and punch somebody, my friends would do it first. It paid off quite a bit in college to a. be friends with the baseball team; and 2. to be the skinny guy among the group, so everyone felt the need to protect you.
Good times had by all, except those who were punched because they talked shit to me.

 

Well, I was at this basketball game between the Pistons and the Pacers and this mofo named Artest ...

 

The last punch I should have thrown was in 10th grade when I punched a younger (but much bigger) kid for talking shit. After holding my own for a while, he pulling a wrestling move on me and slammed my right shoulder into the ground, breaking my arm right near the top of the shoulder.

But I can think of two other times after that.

The last time was about 12 years ago. I had a friend in college who was a violent drunk. One night after we went out to the bars, we were shooting the shit at his place and out of nowhere he gets irate at me for asserting that Indiana University has basketball fans that are racist. Out of the blue, he pushes me towards a closet door and pins down my left shoulder, screaming at me. I couldn't push him off of me with one of my shoulders pinned, as he was much bigger, but my right hand was still free, so I clocked him right in the mouth, drawing some blood and doing some minor damage.

Fortunately for my ass, another mutual friend was there and separated us before he could wail on me, because when he saw blood he lost it. I still wonder how I would have come out of that one, probably not good.

The other time also came in college a few years earlier. I chalk it up as roommates getting on each others' nerves, and me being very young out of the dorms already (19 at the time), but this one was so weird.

One of my roommates in a four-bedroom house was of Estonian descent. He was second-generation, his dad came to America after fighting against the Russians in World War II, one of the most interesting people I've ever met. Needless to say, his family had no love for Russia, understandable considering they plundered his country and killed many of their friends and family members in the years when Estonia was forcibly absorbed into the Soviet Union. As you might imagine, my roommate wore that on his sleeve (at the time, Estonia was still a year or two away from regaining its independence).

We had already been sniping at each other one night when we both went into the kitchen to make dinner. I was making a salad and was about to put some Russian salad dressing on it (this before all the current vinagrettes and much better shit was widely available) when he piped up.

Roommate: That stuff tastes like shit you know.
Bubbler: What? I think it tastes great. I think it's the best salad dressing going. I think you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
Roommate: I think you're fucked in the head. That stuff looks like it came straight from a tampon.
Bubbler: Then it's the tastiest tampon I've ever slurped.
Roommate: What the fuck ever dude.
Bubbler (with shit-eating, pure-instigation grin a mile wide):[/b] Face it, you're only talking shit about my dressing because it has the word 'Russian' on it, and since you're a racist motherfucker who can't even stomach the word 'Russian', I'm don't give a fuck what you say about it.
Roommate: Fuck you man, I'm not racist! It has nothing to do with hating Russians. I just think your salad dressing is the worst fucking shit ever invented. I think you're a fucking moron for eating it, you stupid fuck.
Bubbler: Why don't you come over here and say that to my face, you fucking pussy.

And ... he did. But it was funny. He tackled me into another roommates' doorway (only in college is there a bedroom off of a kitchen) which had a curtain instead of a door. He tangled up in it, and I started wailing on his curtain-obscured body and face before we were pulled apart and eventually made amends.

Now that I think of it, I'm not sure I've eaten Russian dressing since then.

 

Um, yeah, I didn't read all that.

 

Thanks for the report.

 

Same to you.

 

You should have. Once again Bubbler tops everyone with one of his posts.
And yes, Bubbler, that was my report.

 

You should have just turned the page.

 

He had it coming.

Those goddamn postseason rainouts always end up getting us in trouble.

 

I don't punch. I slap.

 

Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay gold.

 

At that size, Shot, technically he wouldn't be a bully. He'd be a stooge.