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Landon Donovan feature

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by Ralph Smith, Jun 30, 2006.

  1. Ralph Smith

    Ralph Smith New Member

  2. scrapdog004

    scrapdog004 Member

    Pretty good. One minor style tweak that jumps out in the first read is a lot of adjective-noun combinations that gets slightly repetitive. A little more variation would be nice.
  3. bballscribe

    bballscribe Member

    I liked it as well. Good read.
  4. tim_candon

    tim_candon New Member

    A good read. My only complaint is that the name of the club Donovan struck out with in Germany was Bayer Leverkusen, not Bayern. I don't know any German, so I don't know what the difference is, but there's no 'n' in the club's name.

    see: http://www.bayer04.de/en/index2.htm
  5. MertWindu

    MertWindu Active Member

    Not sure I would have used the second LD quote, "I just got lost...", or at least would have parsed it a little. Landon's not exactly a great former of spoken sentences (who is at 24?), and the quote was a little muddy, while also being important for readers to hear.

    Otherwise an enjoyable read, if a little condensed (space limitations?). Seemed like there were two sections here: What Landon couldn't accomplish in Germany (both for Leverkusen and the USMNT), and what he has to do now. Could have used some more ink, but that's not always the writer's decision, of course.
  6. good read, good content

    gotta clean up those "might" "seems" "could be" "likely" etc.

    little things:

    Superstars hope to shine brighter than a supernova on a grand stage - come on

    diminutive, 5-foot-8 Donovan - department of redundancy department
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