Klosterman was right -- Lloyd Dobler did ruin it for everyone

Dead.To. You?

 

Erectile dysfunction?

That's the reason you don't see her anymore - right? I always pictured you as an ED type of guy. Always trying to make mountains out of molehills and such. Working so hard to make a point but not quite getting there.

 

"The movies included You've Got Mail, Maid In Manhattan, The Wedding Planner and While You Were Sleeping."

Couldn't it just as easily be said that people who like to watch crappy movies can't communicate because they lack personality?

 

Repped for real talk.

 

Nobody paid any attention to you Mikey (for once), so I'm here to help you out (for once):

1.) Can't Buy Me Love: Inspired me to ditch my dweeby friends and become a douchebag in order to bed the Homecoming Queen. All I got was a douchebag haircut, a New Years Eve alone and the title "Most likely to be ignored as he screams for someone to put the fire out."

2.) One Crazy Summer: Inspired me to become an artist, find quirky friends and move to Nantucket in order to bed a throaty singer-songwriter and save a restaurant from the clutches of an evil developer. All I got was a Doodle Pad, a stuttering, borderline retarded friend in a Godzilla costume and an ass-kicking from said evil developer.

3.) When Harry Met Sally: Inspired me to say "pecan pie" around the Good Friend whom I wanted to bed. All I got was a lot of her woe-is-me angst, blue balls, the embarrassment of hearing "But I don't think of you like that" and a shattered friendship.

4.) Weird Science: Inspired me to pay attention in chemistry as I tried to develop the perfect woman. All I got was third-degree burns, an F and a year of home schooling as the burns healed.

5.) Revenge of the Nerds: Inspired me to don a Darth Vader costume in hopes of screwing the snotty head of the Pis and convincing her I was a much better lover than her jockhead idiot boyfriend. All I got was a rape charge.

Fuck Hollywood.

 

Is this some kind of dork courtship?

BTW, I read Klosterman's new novel in one sitting.

It's freaking brilliant.

 

I'm SHOCKED that he could come up with five.

 

Klosterman is an ass-clown. I'll never forget him piling on the city of Detroit during the Super Bowl with unoriginal thoughts and misleading information.

 

no. 3 actually happened, though before I actually saw "When Harry Met Sally."