Just stretching my writing muscles

Slow week on the freelance front, so last night I decided to free form this little piece that's still in progress. I reached a stopping point, closed the document and then looked at it again this morning and decided to post what I had written here for some feedback. I obviously have an idea of where I want this piece, which is turning out to be a column, to go, but before I continue I want to see what some of you think.

Thanks in advance.

HERE YOU GO:


Simplicity, energy, enthusiasm and no complex issues to cloud the purity of the moment.

What we see is just a father and son playing baseball on a patch of green grass under a cloudless sky, with no baselines, no fence, no bleachers and nothing at stake.

“Here comes the pitch, are you ready little man?”

“Yeah!”

The wide-eyed three-year-old makes contact with the rubber baseball, swinging his bright red Philly Fanatic bat like he has done so many times before. But this time the ball travels over his father’s head and he runs the imaginary bases, no hesitation as he rounds first, then second, then third and makes a beeline for home plate – Dad’s right foot. All the while his infectious laugh fills the spring air.

When does this innocence begin to fade? And why?

Steroids.

Salary caps.

HGH.

Gambling.

Elaborately restructured contracts so a player can choose to not travel with his team when he’s not scheduled to pitch.

Greedy owners.

Inept owners.

When does it stop being fun to play baseball, or any other sport for that matter?

If only we could bottle up whatever it is children have inside and distribute it to every Major League clubhouse, NFL, NBA and NHL locker room.

 

Take this out:

Elaborately restructured contracts so a player can choose to not travel with his team when he’s not scheduled to pitch.

In my opinion, it slows up the flow.

Steroids, Hgh, Gambling ... really long sentence ... Greedy owners, Inept owners.

I just don't like the long sentence in the middle of it all.

 

Thanks Bullwinkle. I was having a problem with that sentence on my second read anway, but I wanted to post the raw version first for a consensus. Clemens' contract has been at the forefront that I guess it impeded my thought process.

 

I tripped up on the same thing. You could possibly leave it at "Restructured contracts" or "Contract negotiations", something to keep with the flow.

I also think you could lose the first line. The scene with father and son do a good enough job of demonstrating simplicity, enthusiasm - all that junk -that you dont really need it. Not to mention that "simplicity" and "no complex issues" is kind of redundant.

 

Appreciate it Ty. What if I change it to this?

Simplicity, energy, enthusiasm and no complex issues to cloud the purity of the moment. It's the purest of moments.

What we see is just a father and son playing baseball on a patch of green grass under a cloudless sky, with no baselines, no fence, no bleachers and nothing at stake.

...

 

Better. It feels like a smoother lead into the story. I have always found that feature stories like that sound better when the first sentence is a short, simple one that eases the reader into the barrage of words I'm about to throw at them.

 

Again, I appreciate the feedback Ty. Tomorrow I'm going to open up the document again and see where it takes me next. I'll put up the next draft for more feedback.