Jokes Thread

A recent survey says the Yankees are the best paid figures in sports. They're followed closely by the Mavericks, the Lakers and the women Ben Roethlisberger pays to stay quiet.

 

So, a guy is walking through a city park, and sees a man and his big fat bulldog.

bulldog is laying on the ground, licking his balls.

Walking guy says, "Damn, I sure wish I could do that."

Guy sitting on the bench says, "Fine by me, but you better check with Buster first!'

 

The punch line is actually. . . "Fine by me, you might want to pet him real nice first."

 

Friend of mine posted this on Facebook the other day, not sure if he came up with it or if someone did:

Deanna Favre issued a statement saying, "Those pics Brett sent to that woman were meant for me, but you know Brett, they had to be intercepted."

 

Best if read in Rodney Dangerfield's voice

 

Guy and a giraffe walk into a bar.

Giraffe lays downs, takes a nap on the floor.

Bartender walks in and says, "Oy, what's that lying there?"

Guy says, "It's not a lion. It's a giraffe."

 

After having their 11th child, a Missouri couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Missouri), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Ozark said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia, Mississippi, West Virginia, and Putnam County, Florida, and some parts of Texas

 

Some gems from Steven Wright