Jokes Thread

Haven't had a jokes thread in a while.

 

Liberace was great on the piano but he sucked on the organ.

 

Joe Biden.

 

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I have truly sinned, I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"

The altar boy said, "a Snickers bar and a Coke."

 

Guy walks into a bar and notices a young lady sitting alone. He decides to strike up a conversation and, after a while, they leave together.

They wind up back at the young lady's apartment, where things begin to progress, and soon the guy is ... pleasuring the young lady by oral means.

When he finishes, the young lady sits up and says, "That was great honey. Just great. It was so good, I'll only charge you $50."

The guy gets a puzzled look on his face: "What? Charge me for what?"

The young lady says: "Well, I'm a prostitute, and I usually charge $100, but I'm going to give you a discount."

The guy says: "A prostitute? What's a prostitute?"

The young lady is exasperated, but after a minute she gets up, goes into the next room, and comes back with a dictionary in hand: "Here," she says, "look it up."

So the guys looks it up and reads: "Prostitute -- a person who performs sexual favors for money." He stops and says: "Oh, I get it. ... Well that's fine, but I can't pay you -- I have to leave right now."

The young lady asks why he has to leave in a rush without paying, and the guy says, "Because I am a koala bear."

The young lady asks, "What does that have to do with anything?" and the young man hands her the dictionary and says with a smile, "Look it up."

So she does, and reads: "Koala bear -- an animal that eats bushes and leaves."

 

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

Fo drizzle ...

 

So a writer has a blog. That writer made a typo and had to run a correction:

Correction:
This blog post originally stated that one in three black men who have sex with me is HIV positive. In fact, the statistic applies to black men who have sex with men.

</crossthread>

 

From some website:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

 

A guy walks into a bar. Sign on top of the bar says "Best Animal Trick; First Prize $500"

Guy goes home, and gets his pet alligator.

Guy unzips his pants, pulls out a stick about 2 feet long, wraps the alligator on the snout and says "Gator......open your mouth"

Gator opens his mouth, and guy unzips his pants, and puts his pecker in the gators mouth.

Guy takes the stick, wraps the gator on the mouth again, and says "Gator.........close your mouth"

Gator closes his mouth.......Guy takes the stick after a few seconds, and says "Gator, open your mouth" ---WRAP!

Gator opens his mouth; Guy takes his pecker, looks around the room, and says, "Now.......do any one of you gutless sumbitches have enough guts to try that?!?!?"

Gay guy at the end of the bar cries out "Yeah, yeah I will..........just don't hit me with that fucking stick!!!!!"

 

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So
the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely
gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier
discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes
for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may
come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The
store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?!
There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most
wonderful weekend of my life!"

 

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning the man presented her with $125 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the
money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125, I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my
client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your Honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the
transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered thus "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not
only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant wrote a check immediately.