Jailhouse Rock: SJ.com's Paris Hilton Diaries

We've been creative on so many other worthwhile efforts. Well, dammit, this is not one of them.
Here's the ground rules.
1) Keep it in first person as told by Paris Hilton.
2) Keep it realtime. Don't skip from day one to day four to day two; from noon lunch to 9 p.m. lightsout to shower. Follow the post in front of you and keep the activities in pretty much an actual order.
3) Say the day and time with each post -- Sunday, 9 a.m.
4) Aside comments are encouraged, but -- as in most cases when we deal with someone getting PMITA on this board -- stay on topic. And have a lovely PH's PMITA diary day....

Friday 3 p.m. -- I CAN"T believe that asshole judge, sending the cops to come get me at the house while I was watching my favorite Verizon commercial -- the one that has the saying "Enjoy Paris." Who does that ASSHOLE think he is? Crying out for Mommy, my lawyer and anyone else who would help didn't work. I looked in the mirror on the way out of court and I HAVE ROOTS SHOWING! By morning I'll be darker than Brittany Spears!
Handcuffs? Who do they think I am? We aren't in a hotel room! What is this? Strip search?!
.....

 

Friday 3:10 p.m. -- Why the FUCK are you using a rubber glove? Are you trying to say I'm dirty? Who the fuck are you, with your ugly mustache and greasy hair? Guys love to touch me, because I'm PARIS FUCKING HILTON!

Hey, you're not picking fruit down there, moron! Be a little more gen ... oooohhh ... that's hot. What are you doing later?

 

Friday, 3:30 p.m. - OK, like, I've been just hanging in here. And I see some ladies who've got like serious skin problems. Oh, oh, wow, that girl is so hot. Kinda heroin chic looking. Darn, we don't have my video camera with me.
I didn't get a text message back from Lindsey. Bitch.

 

Friday, 3:35 p.m. -- Hey, that guy just hooted at me... it might not be so bad. Just like the red carpet walk when guys whistle at me...


Wait. Why doesn't that guy have an Adam's apple?

 

5 p.m. -- (pacing frantically, talking to herself) Which guard can I blow to get out of here ... which guard can I blow to get out of here ... WHICH GUARD CAN I BLOW TO GET OUT OF HERE! I'VE UNZIPPED SHERRIFF BACA'S DOCKERS BEFORE, I'LL DO IT AGAIN!

 

Friday, 5:05 p.m. - Shit, that hurt. All I did was ask a guard if there was a Victoria's Secret store in here.
Hore cracked me in the mouth with the end of her baton.
So unfair.

 

5:10 p.m. -- maybe dinner will calm me down... Maitre 'd? Where is my table?

 

Friday, 5:44 p.m. -- I just heard that the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff was replaced today. MSNBC broke in to its coverage of me for almost a minute to make the announcement. Those assholes. Don't they know today was MY day?

 

Friday, 5:49 -- WOOOO! Oh, this is like gonna be so much like the Palms. Some girls said they wanted to party with me.

 

Friday, 5:58: Dinner is just going to suck. Here I am, a vegetarian, and all these other women can say is "LOOK, fresh meat..."

 

Friday, 7:07 p.m. -- Oh, Kewl. Nicole Ritchie just texted me to say she's going on a hunger strike in sympathy with me. She's donating tonight's dinner to a hungry child in Ethiopia . . . wonder how much it costs to ship a bag of airline peanuts all the way across the country like that?

 

Friday, 7:12 p.m. -- I'm still like so totally humiliated and embarrassed about being strip-searched. I hope no one had a video camera. I'd just die if videos of me, like, naked ever got out onto, like, the Internet.