it's 'national autism week'...

This isn't about cussing per se, but my buddy called me up the other day to catch up and commiserate about UVA's tournament flameout. He was taking his son to the store at the time and wanted to bitch about his mother-in-law, so he slipped into broken Spanish - "la madre de mi esposa" - to get his point across without the boy knowing who he was talking about. Not one minute later, he's back talking about the UMBC loss and how it's because UVA "needs more dudes with ball swag." I pointed out his...interesting...self-censorship choices, and his response was "Well, that's an acceptable topic among men."

 

Swearing is awesome, kids swearing is hilarious, and a few minor missteps before the kid is old enough to understand when it's an appropriate context to swear in are just the price you pay.

 

We were at my friend's house watching a bowl game this January. Junior was in another room playing video games with my buddy's kid.

My kid says: "Oh, fuck!" right in front of my buddy's wife.

Follows up nonchalantly with: "What? My dad says it all the time."

Thing is, my dad would have beat my fucking ass to a pulp if I cussed. It was this huge deal. But he was kind of that way anyway. You weren't permitted to fuck up, ever.

 

The youngest said "Jesus Christ" when Mo Salah scored his fourth goal for Liverpool the other day. I burst out laughing. Not the right message, but I couldn't help it.

 

My kid said "boobs" last year ("So-and-so grabbed my boobs in the bathroom!") and his teacher acted like it was some grave misdeed. She whispered it to us at the parent-teacher conference.

A few months later we saw her at the U2 show at Soldier Field. My wife later asked her what she thought of the show and she said, "My husband made me go."

How do people like that even get married?

 

I have told my 6 year old son and 10 year old daughter they are allowed to swear depending on circumstances.

I said they could swear in front of me but not in front of their mother. Also not at school and not call someone a swear word.

Fall off your bike and want to curse? Fine with me.

 

I've been doing a lot of reading from the Actually Autistic movement in regard to non-autistic parents of autistic children, and I think it's interesting and is changing the way I view parenting. A lot of it comes from people who were non-verbal as children and became more verbal (or at least able to write, even if speaking is still difficult) as adults, and they talk about the things they wish their parents had known and adopted. The biggest thing is how traumatic attempts to force behavior changes can be, and even the cases that seem like success stories are often just an instance of the child shutting down resistance and internalizing the pain, which leads to depression and breakdowns in their 20s. It's a reminder not to give in to the temptation to become this set upon warrior parent who has no choice but to drag the child through whatever approximation of normal life they can force on them, but instead respect your child and try to meet them in their world.

My first instinct, and a thought a lot of parents who disagree with this movement tend to stick with, is that these people who can write on the internet aren't like my kid but are on a different part of the spectrum. But a lot of them were considered pretty low-functioning for most of their lives and it wasn't until adulthood that they began to break out, and some are still considered low-functioning but intelligent. After chewing on it for awhile, I came to the conclusion that even if they aren't *exactly* like my kid (and who knows, they might be, his doctors classify him high-intelligence/low-functioning and there are a lot of signs that there is a lot more going on in his mind than his communication deficit presents), they're still more like him than I am in terms of brain wiring, so I would be foolish not to listen to them.

Some of it is stuff that we've always done but it's interesting to make it more explicit and have that reminder. For example, differentiate between behavior that is inherently dangerous and behavior that is only dangerous because of an insufficiently accommodating environment. He has some problems with understanding that it's not hygienic to put things in your mouth that you find in the ground or pull out of the trash, and that's inherently dangerous. He also likes to jump on the bed, and that was only dangerous until we accommodated by switching him to a giant plastic race car bed that he can jump in all day and not break.

But I've also made some changes that I think are showing positive results. One is to offer him more independence. It's easy to get into the mental trap of "he acts like a toddler in some ways, so treat him like a toddler." So I'm trying to remind myself to offer him more choices and not just tell him what to do or decide for him unless I have to. (I think parents of normal kids would benefit from this, too, to be honest. We try to break our kids down into mindless drones because it's convenient and parenting is stressful, but we and they would be better off in the long run if we treated them like partners in the family).

One of our long-standing behavior problems is what I call the "situational no." He has had a lot of trouble accepting when something is usually allowed but temporarily forbidden. For example, playing in the backyard is normally a free action he doesn't even have to ask permission for, but it's not allowed when it's raining. I had a conversation about this with an autistic person I met on twitter, and they suggested not even using the word "no" at first, simply explaining why it would not be a good idea at the moment. Only using "no" if the requests become repeated after explanation. And sure enough, this has helped a lot in his compliance. I had gotten in the habit of trying to communicate with him by mirroring his speech levels, and that was selling short his comprehension. So when he would say "Family?" (meaning: Can I go play in the shared family room between our apartment and the rest of the house?), I would say "No family" if it wasn't a good time. Yesterday, I said "I don't want you to play in Family right now, the rest of them will be home from church soon and the dogs will bark, and I know you hate the dogs barking." And he accepted that immediately.

 

I've been following a lot of the same stuff and it has caused me to rethink behavioral therapy.

My son has the same problem with being triggered by "No." So I started just explaining why awhile back and it takes repetition but does seem to work most of the time. For instance, my son has become enamored with playing on the "white bridge," which is the front porch. Today he wanted to go out there and instead of saying "No" and dealing with the inevitable anger, I just told him calmly a few times, "It's too cold to go out there now, buddy." Eventually he accepted it and moved on to playing inside.

 

Will say again that I hope you guys continue to share stories. Remaining in your corner and cheering the successes.

 

New sitter’s first night. Son takes off down street for multiple blocks twice. Then slams door and breaks her finger.

Helpless feeling knowing that most of what I can say to him will not register.

 

Oh man. Hang in there.

I send the love of the household.

PM me if I can help somehow.