Is this too hokey? Too condescending??

There is so much crappy news on here today, I almost feel guilty posting this….

We don’t normally cover kids this young (under 10 girls), but a mom came in and said it was a championship game and, well, you know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, I go to the event and the kids are more interested in chasing butterflies than in playing softball. I get a lot of cute photos—how I would normally “cover” under-10 softball—but what to do with the story….?

I could just write it up like any other game story, but I’m not sure if writing a straight story is going to be of interest to, well, anyone.

That said, I’m a little worried that what I produced might be seen as being condescending? I’m not looking for a writer’s workshop type breakdown of this, but….what do you think? Should I run it as is, re-write it like it was game four of the World Series?

Story:

 

I think what you have is fine, as long as you a couple of cute photos without. More of an essay on little kid softball than a gamer, which seems appropriate.

(If you didn't have photos, I would hesitate to run it at all)

 

Yeah, I think you're good to go.

 

Use it. It is a creative opening to an otherwise pointless story about little girls softball. Parents that read that and get angry instead of laugh take their child's games too seriously.

Just be sure to catch some of the punctuation and spacing errors in there!

 

This is what a game story should be.

The game, which most of the readers of a youth softball game (or prep football, basketball, baseball or softball game, for that matter) is secondary. Your lede pulls the rest of the readership in, and makes an otherwise uninteresting gamer interesting.

Way to be a reporter. Nice work.

 

I have to say -- both as a writer, and as an assistant coach on my daughter's 7- and 8-year-old softball game -- you struck exactly the right tone.

 

My desk would move the score up to the second graf.

"What's the score?" she asked, midway through a game that would ultimately become a 16-9 Six Nations victory over Port Dover.

 

You have opened Pandora's box now, my friend. Look for every parent/coach/friend of a similar team to come beating down your door asking for their team to be covered.

Nice job, though.

 

I might have gotten the little girl's name in there -- after all, the only thing parents care about is seeing their kid's name in print and that you don't mention their errors -- but other than that, it was a nice job.

 

Well written and in the spirit of the proceedings.

 

Fine job.
And, some guy, I do not envy you your desk.