Is Seinfeld trolling advice columns?

Dear Amy,
I am currently dating a beautiful woman I met at the gym. Things are going great so far.

The only problem I am facing with her is, well, I don't know if they are real or not. Yes, "they." A close friend, who also happens to be an ex-girlfriend, is convinced they are fake. Regardless, they are spectacular. I've tried to natrually bring up the topic in conversation with her to see if she would tip her hand, but so far she has been evasive. We have not slept together yet, so I haven't had an "hands-on" experience.

I'm the type of guy that tends to dwell on small things. This is clearly something I just can't get past. I'm at the point where I may ask my female friend to follow her into the sauna and find out. How can a guy respectfully ask a woman if they are fake? And should it matter?

 

Dear Amy,
I can't stop touching myself. It's uncontrollable. My friends and I had a contest to see who could go longest without self-gratification (it started when one of them was "caught" by his mother, which sparked a conversation about self-control) and I was out in a matter of minutes. What can I do?
C.K.

 

Dear Amy,

My mom had the audacity to leave a Glamour Mag out on the table when no one was home and she got home sooner than I anticipated. How do I explain to her it was perfectly normal?

Slow Hand

 

Different show, but I always enjoyed this:

 

Dear Amy,

How can I convince everyone that I was in the pool and shrinkage is a real thing?

Sincerely,
GC

 

Dear Amy,
My friend is dating a woman who talks really quietly — like so quietly I can barely hear her. She's a fashion designer, so I just chalk it up to her being quirky, but I'm always asking her, "What? What?" I get so frustrated asking her to repeat herself, I sometimes just nod my head and say, "Yup." Well, apparently, I did this the other day and didn't realize she was asking me to wear her latest men's fashion when I appear for a TV interview later this week. This shirt is ridiculous. It's overly puffy, and I'm embarrassed to have to wear it. Frankly, it makes me look like a pirate. But my friend really likes this woman, thinks she could be the one, so I'm hesitant to go back on my word and make a bad impression on his girlfriend. What should I do?
Sincerely,
I Don't Want to Be a Pirate

 

Dear Amy:

What the fuck is wrong with a cigar store Indian?