In honor of its re-release in 3D, Lindy West rewatches Titanic; Hilarity ensues

(spoiler: the boat is dead after being shot by a New Kid)

 

(spoiler: the boat is people)

 

That movie made me root for the iceberg.

 

(spoiler: Zeke is really Rose Dawson)

 

(spoiler: Brad Renfro was good)

 

That fucking movie ruined my bladder.

After drinking beer all day, kinda had to piss going in, that feeling you have where pissing seems like a good idea but it isn't exactly urgent. Didn't. About an hour in, I want to piss. Theater is dark as hell, we're in the middle of a row, etc. Don't. Two hours in, I need to piss. I mean, this fucking movie has to end soon, right? Wrong, and don't. Two hours and 10 minutes in, there's water, water everywhere. I gotta piss, motherfuckers, get this shit over with. 2:20, what the fuck? Sink this cocksucker already. 2:30, jesus fucking christ. 2:40, fuck fuck fuck. 2:50, there's a bee inside my skull, and just fucking shoot me already, right here, yeah, right here in my eye. 3:00, gak gak gak. 3:10, get out of my way get out of my way get out of my way. 3:11 to 3:21, piss, piss, dribble, piss, dribble, horse piss, piss, dribble, dribble, horse piss, stop, piss, piss, horse piss, dribble, piss, end.

Motherfucker.

All the Kate Winslet tits in the world won't make me watch that movie again.

 

(spoiler: joe wet his leather pants)

 

Great idea for movie reviews - describe a three or four-minute segment of the movie where people can bolt to the john or a soda refill and not miss anything.

 

I am somewhat ashamed to admit that this is my "When I Stumble To It On Cable I Can't Help But Watch."

The movie it replaced with this designation was Grease.

 

Question about the photo: Am I being told to drown people I view as motherfuckers, or are the people the photo editor views as motherfuckers being asked to drown by a photo editor lacking in grammatical skill?

 

(spoiler: everyone on Apollo 13 lived)

 

I think there's a comma MIA.

Well, shit. I was responding to Versatile's post. But BYH finished his post too quickly. There's a joke in there somewhere.