I'm not kidding: How do you react when someone belches?

Loud and repeatedly.

Scenario: I am working in close contact with this person, who obviously has some kind of gastrointestional issues. Mostly, it's the two of us working in a camp kitchen, and oh my God she belches a ton. And I don't mean little Grandma "pardon me" pretend ones. Impossible to ignore I mean, these would frighten my dog. Small children. Teen children. Truckers. God, they'd frighten Al Quaida.

She says "excuse me," but holy God, what is the polite response to it? Am I supposed pretend I didn't hear some thing that sounds like a bear burped up a hunter? Or smile and say something? If so, what?

The adjunct Moroccan in me wants to say "Ham-du-lee-lah" but I don't think she'd get it. Other than that, I come up empty.

 

Offer her a Mentos and watch her explode.

 

Give her a grade, or a score from 1 to 10.

If she comes out with an above-average belch, immediately follow up by yelling out "7!"

Tell her she could have scored an 8 or even a 9 if she'd dragged it out another second or two and offered even more volume.

In all seriousness, I went to college with a girl who was not only great looking, she could belch on command better than pretty much any guy I'd ever met. I wanted to marry her.

 

I worked with a guy who belched at least twice every night. I just acted as if he had said something.

**BRAAAP**
"Oh, really? How do you figure that?"

It probably annoyed him, but it turned a daily pet peeve into something amusing to me.

 

Leave this on her desk:

 

When we were kids, if we didn't ask to be excused after we burped, farted or sneezed, our mother would give us this stern look and say, "I beg your pardon?" Ninety-nine-point-nine per cent of the time, we would be chastened enough to, as expected, ask to be excused.

Except for one day when I let loose with a great belch. I got the look and the question, but, unbeknownst to my mother, this smartass teen still had some unused gas left in the diaphragm.

"Oh, you didn't hear me? I said **BRAAAAAPP!!**"

Funny, funny shit. Unfortunately, she didn't think so. Grounded for the weekend. Booooo.

But I'm still telling the story today. Yay me.

 

I do my best to top it. It's clearly a challenge being offered.

 

Why are you still in this job, again?

 

Why do you have to say anything at all? If she's on a lot of medication, she's got a health problem and she's likely to be embarrassed about the belching.

 

Fart.

 

Yeah you might find out she's had six or seven feet of her intestines removed....

 

That. Was. Awesome.