"I'm no doorknob, either" -- The Comeback thread

I know we've had a thread on best trash talk. How about comebacks? They can be your own, overheard, from movies, famous...

A doctor is sitting courtside for an NBA game, berating an official. At one point, after another "You blew it!" eruption, the official turns to the doctor and says, "At least I don't bury my mistakes."

Summary of something from Washington Post...

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dracula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.

"I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said:

"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

 

"I slept with your wife."

 

A classic. Can be modified for almost any situation.

 

"Finch, you mother f*cker!!!"
"Yes. Yes I am. Twice."

 

Oh yeah? Well you need a FUCKING HAIRCUT

 

Jerk Store! JERK STORE IS THE LINE! JERK STORE!

 

Oh come on Judge. Don't kid yourself. You're a terrific slouch.

 

"Dunlop, you suck cock."

"All I can get."

 

``Your mom goes to college.''

 

Old time hockey?

PISS ON OLD TIME HOCKEY

Eddie Shore?

PISS ON EDDIE SHORE.