I'm cheating on Dr. J, and he's leaving me......UPDATE

Or at least that's the rumor my next door neighbor has been spreading about me.

The fat cow to my left (we call her 5X) left for a day trip and forgot to shut her alarm clock off. So I went to the next house down to see if they had a number for her, and they told me that this bitch has been flapping her gums non-stop about one of SportsJournalists.com's favorite happy couples.

She repeats every little argument she hears. If someone comes over, she'll stare at them until they leave or enter the house. She's complaining about how we're "taking" my grandmother's house (stepping back to reality for a moment, we're buying it).

Meanwhile, this is the woman that screams at her kids up and down all day. She talks like the bus drive on South Park, and both of her kids are starting to copy their mom.

Earlier this week, she called the cops when a dog ran by her. She claimed it attacked her. She changed her story when she found out it was the a deputy sheriff's animal.

And what can I do about this? Nothing. She married an assistant DA.

I'm really at a loss what to do here. I'm actually lucky that she's only running her mouth about me to one family. It just happens that the mom takes care of my grandmother during the day. Even without that, they know she's full of shit.

Have I mentioned the alarm clock is still going off?

 

Re: I'm cheating on Dr. J, and he's leaving me......

You know, that happened to Lomez, so he blew his neighbor's circuit.

 

Re: I'm cheating on Dr. J, and he's leaving me......

Pour salt all over her lawn. Have sex with Dr. J as loudly as possible. I'm sure others will be along with more advice, constructive or otherwise.

 

Re: I'm cheating on Dr. J, and he's leaving me......

Upper deck her.

 

Re: I'm cheating on Dr. J, and he's leaving me......

Um, that may or may not have already happened. It may or may not have happened at 4 a.m. once when I came home drunk. It may or may not have woken up her entire household.

 

Re: I'm cheating on Dr. J, and he's leaving me......

You're talking about pouring salt all over her lawn, right?

 

Re: I'm cheating on Dr. J, and he's leaving me......

I chortled at that.

 

Re: I'm cheating on Dr. J, and he's leaving me......

Yeah, but the cat eventually died.

 

Re: I'm cheating on Dr. J, and he's leaving me......

Always a civilized way to resolve differences. I agree. Make sure you eat Mexican beforehand, so the consistency is just so that she has a hell of a time getting rid of it.

 

Re: I'm cheating on Dr. J, and he's leaving me......

My preferred form of revenge:

Change. Of. Address. Forms.

 

Re: I'm cheating on Dr. J, and he's leaving me......

Well duh. I took the margarita salt from the bar.

 

Re: I'm cheating on Dr. J, and he's leaving me......

I have to say pasta. It makes it more solid. If you go Mexican, it's like a floodgate opening.