"I'm canceling my subscription ... "

I once got an e-mail on a Friday night berating us for not covering a local girls basketball team's big comeback win. Person thought he/she was being anonymous, and instead of a name at the end he/she used the school's mascot.
Three days later, I got an e-mail about said team wearing pink to help raise funds for breast cancer. Person left name and e-mail. The e-mail was unique and looked familiar, so I did a search. Sure enough, it was the same e-mail used three nights earlier. When someone submits a news tip the e-mail address gets recorded, so we figured out easily who the "anonymous" flamethrower was. Or at least which household (could have been the teenage basketball player logging onto dad's e-mail, who knows).

 

The correct response in these situations goes along these lines.

"Oh dear sir, please, I beg of thee not to cancel. If I have one more reader drop their subscription this week, I'm going to be out of a job. Could you find it in the deepest recess of your heart to continue purchasing our paper, in which case, you can become my new editor and dictate any content you would like to see."

lol