I'm beginning to hate my life

My heart goes out to you, Ecclesiastes. It really does, because I swear save for the daughters I could have made this exact same post. Well, my ex-wife bitched about different things, but yeah.

You're in a tough situation. And being that you said you were in the Bible belt, may have the same reservations I had about seeing a therapist. That's not what people do where I'm from. Within about six months of my divorce, I went to see a therapist, because my ex was convinced I was the problem. See didn't really know about the feelings I had much like you describe, but I did share them with my therapist. He never put me on meds. Gave me some things to do, so if you're like me, don't freak out b/c you think they'll automatically put you on some pill.

Had my grandfather still been alive, he'd jerked a knot in my ass and I would have snapped out of it somehow. Nobody has that impact on me anymore.

All that being said, I cannot in any way whatsoever stress to you to take the advice of others: exercise.

Please. Just try it. For us.

If it's nothing more than starting with walking around your block when you get off work (I'm not a morning person, this is what helped me). Are you tired? Sure. Not to discount the hard work that you do, but what I always told myself was this: There was zero heavy lifting required on my shift. I was only tired mentally, not physically. I could put if a simple walk, and later a jog, because there were plenty of people who had it a lot harder than I did.

I swear the exercise pulled me through. Do I get in pissed-off funks still today? Sure. Everybody does. But they don't last nearly as long. I exercise hard and that stuff fades away.

And also, again not discounting anything you're going through, but I came to terms with the fact that I may be broke, my boss may be a clueless bastard -- or he may not give two shits -- I don't know, but everybody's got problems, and the world sucks, but my world doesn't have to.

Some turn to religion, and if that's what works for them, great. That wasn't me.

I'm not some super PMA guy (positive mental attitude) ... I actually use the phrase sarcastically when work is going like crap. I just decided I couldn't dwell on things out of my control. I was never overweight, not by a far stretch. But I get up in the morning and throw my workout clothes in a bag and head off to work.

As for your S/O, I don't know if the "Quit your bitching. It won't be tolerated anymore." approach is going to work. It sure as hell wouldn't have been with my ex. And, well, with two daughters you probably can't afford to get divorced. But she's your wife, she cares about you. I would try this:

"Look. I'm going through some messed up stuff right now, and I need you to help me. Cut me a little bit of slack for a couple months. If it doesn't work, you go back to bitching about the napkins. But I need you -- really need you -- to do this for me. No, I love you, but I respect your suggestion (b/c they will say they know what you need), but I need to you let me handle this my way for just a little bit to see if it works. There's going to be a time when you need something like this, and I'm going to be there for you 100 percent with bells on at your feet. Just do this. For me. The person you love."

Exercise. Believe it will work. And do it. But you've got to believe.

No, it's not a cure-all. But you will really be surprised in how much it will help.

Good luck. PM me if you ever need anything. At any time.

 

How about a few practical, soul-soothing activities?

* go to the bowling alley or wherever locale has one and burn a roll of quarters on pinball.

* if you're full-time, you get sick/personal days a year. Use one of them and go on a 100-mile drive to nowhere, windows down, volume up. Stop, eat lunch, walk around wherever you are in nowhere and explore a bit.

* the walk around the block is a good idea, as is yoga.

 

Also develop deep breathing techniques which are relaxing. As few as five or six deep breaths can produce the "relaxation response", which is the opposite of the fight or flight stress response. You might find some relaxation CDs to be very helpful.

 

A few years ago, before I got stupid again with the extracurriculars, I did yoga for 6 weeks in a class at my gym. Best 6 weeks of my life. Felt great, breathed better, slept like a baby, life was all that it's cracked up to be.

It was advanced yoga, bordering on hot yoga, which I didn't know at the time. I was the least-experienced person in the room. But it was invigorating. If you do it first thing in the morning, it changes your world outlook the rest of the day.

 

How old are you?
If you've made it this far and you're just beginning to hate your life, you're probably doing pretty well.

 

Boxing is great for the soul.

 

Like I'll never tell, I'm not a big "positive outlook" preacher, either. But here's something I do. I don't know; it might help you.

Take your problems and divide them into "my problem" and "not my problem." Also divide them into "what I can fix" and "what I can't fix."

If you can't fix it, and it's not your problem, you need to push those worries away. Don't waste your time worrying about what can't change.

If you can fix it, take steps to fix it.

Stupidly simplistic, but it has worked for me.

 

This + take drinking = bar fights

Which can be a lot of fun but should probably be avoided after a certain age.

 

After my mom died and a few people suggested I see a counselor, I bristled at the thought. It wasn't like seeing a therapist was going to make me stop missing my mom. And I felt that way even though therapy had helped me at other points in my life, including after having lost my brother. But eventually, I was tired of feeling so overwhelmed by the sadness her death left me with, so I went to a bereavement counselor. It made a world of difference, and like Mizzou said, I couldn't help feeling a little frustrated I hadn't done it sooner.

In the past year, I've sought therapy for other reasons. There were times I thought maybe I was depressed and times I was sure I wasn't. Either way, having someone to talk to who doesn't judge me, who can cast things in a different way for me to think about, who can tell me about other people who've been in my shoes and what's helped them, has been incredibly valuable.

And like everyone else, I echo the exercise suggestion. I didn't exercise for probably a decade, if not more. Last summer, I competed in my first triathlon. I finished dead last, but finishing, period, remains one of the greatest feelings of my life.

Best of luck. I'm glad you started this thread and I hope you'll find yourself in a better place soon.

 

I think many of us - who are fathers and have worked in this journalism business or continue to - feel this kind of domestic pressure.

It can be suffocating.

The long hours, the constant quiet killer of wondering if/when you're get canned, missing school events, youth sporting events because you have to cover someone ELSE'S event, it does get old.

I'll say something horribly sexist here but I believe it. Married mothers with children constantly compare their standards of living against those of their friends. "Jennifer has a newer minivan. Sarah's husband is always home by 5:30 for dinner. Rachel and her husband will be in Hawaii for two weeks in December. Laura's husband is building a new deck on their home...why can't you do that?"

Blah blah blah.

Managing this constant drumbeat is a challenge for every married man with a family.

That's where you have to find your own outlet. Mine are exercise, playing music and volunteering at my kids' schools whenever possible as I work a non-traditional schedule (like many of us probably do). Ignore the requests for more "stuff" with simple, "that item won't matter in five years".

Say that enough times to your wife and, eventually, she'll quit asking.

Definitely, I recommend the exercise because it will make you feel better about yourself. Even just a mile or two of walking a day. Promise yourself that - every day - you will do something to get your heart rate up.

Focus on something that YOU enjoy doing, whether it involves your family or not. You need some outlet that you can look forward to. I don't golf because I think spending five hours on a course instead of with family is too much but you can find something that makes you smile and relax.

What did you enjoy doing in your early 20's that isn't self-destructive? Maybe pick that up again.

As for your daughters, plan to spend the next two free afternoons with each of them, individually. Even if there is a big gap between the two of you, make the effort to take them to the mall and have them show you what they like...and why it's important. You don't have to be the "cool dad" but at least make an effort. Ask them open-ended questions and really listen.

Four months ago, I gave up perfectionism. I quit nagging at myself if a newscast wasn't perfect or if an assignment didn't turn out exactly as I had planned. It's made me more productive and a little more cheerful, outwardly and internally. Also, I make it a point to exercise each and every day, even if just for ten minutes. It's a little thing but it makes you feel better.

Think about what you want your life to look life in 20 years. Be really specific. Where do you want to live? Your kids will be out of your house. Work a little bit towards that goal each day. Go to Google Maps and find your dream destination. We need a mountain to climb in life.

Please feel free to vent here. We're here to listen.