I'm beginning to hate my life

Yeah, I'm not going to lie, my life has gotten infinitely less stressful since I got out of the business.

 

I thank you all for your suggestions and feedback.

I will consider -- I am considering -- seeing a professional. My mother did have depression. I am not an expert on it, but I don't consider myself depressed. Do I get sad thinking about some of the stuff I wrote in the opening post? Yes, but much more than that, it pisses me off. Like I want to take a baseball bat to a car or destroy a wall. My mother on her bad days would be like the actors in those depression medicine commercials and not get out of bad, leave the house, or anything. I don't have that problem. I can get up, get to work, etc. I feel... pissed, just pissed. Now to those who have been diagnosed or know better than me, is my anger a sign of being depressed? I'm really not into the go see a therapist idea, but I am considering it, something's got to change. If you all say it helps, I'll give it a shot. Or at least talk to my doctor.

I know there are roses to my life. But it's just like they're getting drowned out by skunks spraying them. I'm grateful to live here and not North Korea, or not in the projects. I'm grateful for my little house, and for my family, my wife and daughters. But all I hear around me is stuff like, you should get new siding on your house, it'll look nicer. You should repave your driveway. Honey, we need a new table. I don't care if ours isn't ten years old, we need a new one. Thanks for the gift, but it's not in my size, I didn't want that, if you listened to me you know what I want, but you don't listen. Dad, can you take me to the mall? Can I have $20 dollars? I don't care about your day, and I don't want to tell you about mine, I don't care if you care. I like my job, but I get tired of having to do more and more with less with no hope at even a 10 cent an hour raise. And if I could just get a thank you from anyone, even a reader, it would go a long way. But I get nothing but complaints from everyone, reader and manager alike. I know I'm not Grantland Rice, but I know my work is good, and I cover my beat well. Is it so much to ask for a thank you from someone?

I am also going try other suggestions. Think positive can't hurt. I haven't exercised regularly in years and have put on a few pounds. Exercising can't hurt. I like the idea Dick gave about finding some other way to get involved. The particular part of town I live in is fine, but we have other sections with plenty of plight and people that need help. Something's gotta give.

 

Anger can absolutely be a symptom of depression.

Depression doesn't mean you are sad. It means that your ability to process positive emotional inputs is diminished, and thus the negative inputs are taking over.

I am absolutely not a doctor, which is why you should *definitely* talk to yours (you don't have to see a therapist or anything right away, just talk to your general practitioner). But for me, when you are talking about meaninglessness and how things that you know *should* make you happy are being drowned out by negative emotions, that's about as textbook as it gets.

 

Depression doesn't mean you're sad, per se. Like Rick said, anger can be a sign. So can irritability, trouble concentrating, lack of interest in things that always interested you, fatigue, insomnia, waking up early (like 2, 3, 4 and staying awake), excessive sleeping, overeating/or appetite loss, persistent pain, anxiety, psycho-motor agitation (flipping your arms around, or any repetitive motion you didn't do before) and suicidal thoughts.
You can have all of that, or some of that.
If you are depressed, your brain is not functioning correctly and it is hurting you.
Don't naysay therapy. A good therapist can help you come out of a depression and I would advise seeing one before just starting to take medicine. The medicine works, but if you only want to take it temporarily, it can be difficult to stop.
Depression can be psychological or physiological. If it's the latter, then meds are probably a long-term solution because your brain chemistry is out of whack.
You can develop depression at any point in your life.

 

I know a lot of people who completely resisted going to a therapist and then as soon as they did immediately wondered why they hadn't gone before...

If nothing else, it prevents you from having to have everything bottled up.

I know it's getting all kinds of negative publicity because of the Bieber arrest, but I know a lot of people who were either angry or depressed who immediately seemed normal after taking a low dose of Xanax. I have a close relative who takes it and everybody who has to be around this person at any time is grateful for what it does to him. His wife says uneqivocally it saved their marriage.

 

The anger part of depression can morph from doing physical injury to an object to doing injury to yourself so please be cautious.

Talk to your wife about this and try to get her to help.

A couple of years ago, I went to visit my brother, who I always admired for having such a wonderful marriage. On this visit, all he and his wife did was snipe at each other, saying bad things all weekend long. I left thinking that they were never going to last, which they didn't. When they split, he was a broken man because he didn't see it coming.

Well . . . I offer to you that if the Mrs. is always sniping at you, then you are probably answering right back so stop it. That might help to create a better home life.

 

I realized with someone dear to me who wrestles with depression that I cannot solve their problem nor give them suggestions; the best I can do is support them in seeking professional help and listening (without telling them why they are wrong and that they should "snap out of it")

I wish you the best and very much hope you (1) seek professional help and (2) you find an outlet to service.

 

The bolded part says it all. Don't even have to read another line to know you are depressed. Depression is not being sad when things are bad. Depression is being sad when things are good.

 

Don't focus on things. Things will only make you think about what you don't have, and they don't matter much when all is said and done.

Take a step back and read what you wrote. It'll give you some perspective, even already. Your life actually sounds, um, pretty normal/average to me, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's the way of things for most people.

You just don't want to be like most people. That's what it sounds like to me. I get the sense that you're just dissatisfied and starting to notice that the years are passing, and, perhaps, you want to do something else.

If that's the case, well, nothing will change unless and until you change something. And, barring any change in circumstances, you can still change your perspective. Or, it may change, anyway, just over the course of due time.

Don't be too hard on yourself, or your life, or your family. You, and they, may not be as great as you'd think or might hope, but neither are you, or they, likely as bad as you fear.

 

Yeah, you're probably burnt out from a ridiculous print newspaper workload.

I was stressed every day -- even days off -- when I was at my old shop. Deadlines. Covering for co-workers. Wondering when I'd inevitably get laid off.

It took me three years of aggressively searching for a gig outside journalism. And now that I have one and I freelance on the side, life is great.

 

The fact that your mother suffered from depression should have you getting checked out, if nothing else. Don't make excuses not to do it. Do it.