"I was gonna tell you" -- your weird/horrible first date stories

She popped.

 

That's why i always bring a patch kit on my dates, Trey. It happens a second time, and you never forget again.

 

It's a crime that you aren't beating the ladies off with a stick.

 

Instead, he's just be...o, never mind

 

I love that otter sound.

 

Against my better judgment, I allowed a friend to set me up some years back.

I was about 22 or 23 maybe and the girl - we'll car her Carol - was 21.

She had gotten married when she was 18 and had two kids already. Her ex-husband was a Marine.

And, yes, she lived in manufactured housing - a trailer park.

I call her up and ask her out and she explains to me that she can't afford a babysitter, but could I come over on Saturday night and hang out with her?

OK.

Upon arrival, much to my surprise she turns out to be a nice person - reasonably intelligent, witty and attractive. The kids are clean and so is the trailer, which are good signs.

We play with her kids for a while, until she puts them to bed.

Then we start drinking beer and watching a movie. Midway through, we cuddle up a little and exchange a couple of kisses.

The movie ends, I tell her I had a lovely evening, but I have to go.

Whereupon she throws her arms around me and literally pulls me down on top of her.

Alarm bells go off instantly.

I tell her I need to leave.

She tells me, "I bet you're thinking I just want a husband and a father for my kids. Well, you're wrong!"

She bursts into tears.

Then she stops and tries to resume the kissing.

I tell her I really have to go.

"But I need you to pay my electric bill. I don't have any money."

"I don't either," I tell her, which at the time was all too true.

"But my kids will freeze."

"I need to go,"

"Don't go," she sobs, following me out to my car.

I leave.

The next morning, the friend who set us up calls me up and curses me out. "I can't believe what you did to Carol!"

"What did I do?"

"You know! It's too despicable to even talk about."

I never spoke to either of them again.

Now, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see what a tragic and scary situation she was in and even at the time, I genuinely felt sorry for her. But I wasn't in a position to fix her problems. I was way too young and had enough of my own at the time.

 

Except for your own.

 

Me noted.

 

He told me his mother was a witch.

 

She made a mollusk sound, like a clam saying hello.