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I think I understand.

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by Hammer Pants, May 17, 2007.

  1. Hammer Pants

    Hammer Pants Active Member

    So ... my girlfriend broke up with me Sunday. I sat around for a few days being angry at the world, especially her. I blamed her and blamed her and blamed her ... and then I discovered that like with any other problem in the world, solutions start at home.

    Writing this helped me a lot. I sent it out to just about every friend I have, and now I'm posting it here. Maybe it can help someone else who is going through something they think is a big deal. I feel strangely 100 percent sad, 100 percent sorry and 100 percent uplifted at the same time. It's a weird feeling ... but it will be worth it.

    There are tons of other women out there, and maybe even a few that would be a better fit for me. But this one really loved me, and in a perfect world I love her to experience what I'm feeling. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. But I'm sick of worrying about things I can't control or aren't that big of a deal.

    LIFE 101

    When someone goes through a week like this one, the goal is to learn something. After all, if we went through anything in life and didn't learn something, what would be the point?

    Well, I learned something this week — perspective. Things that seem like big deals at the time really aren't that big, and they can stew inside you and change relationships that you have. And what you think are separate small frustrations can actually be one big problem that you can't see at the time.

    Until I learn the ability to let go of things — big and small — I'm not going to be as truly happy as I could be. For weeks, I would come home from work and be so frustrated that I eventually lost something that was making all the frustration seem OK to begin with. I was so consistently frustrated over stupid shit that was so easily correctible that I wore on someone I didn't want to wear on. I didn't know what I was doing at the time, but I've done this before in my life. I'm normally a very happy person, but sometimes when I get comfortable in a situation, I let my guard down and lose perspective on things and take people for granted.

    Well, guess what? They're not always going to be there. If you let a fight go, you might feel unsettled at the time, but you'll probably eventually realize it's not a big deal and that it was so, so stupid. I can count dozens of those in my head. I would give anything to just go through those situations again, shut my damn mouth and enjoy someone who made me truly happy. And my constant worries about things that weren't that important made me always want to talk about my "problems," when I could have just let it go and still had the life I want.

    It's a hard lesson to learn, but it's one I need to learn no matter what happens next. I have to get my own house in order. I love all of you, and sometimes I let petty, stupid shit get in the way of that. Life is such a wonderful thing most of the time, and I have a knack for surrounding myself with tremendous people. I am magnetically drawn to good people, but that gift becomes a curse when I can't shut off my brain and my mouth.

    Love is so much more than a desire to always be around someone who makes you comfortable and you are attracted to. It's appreciating that person's wants and needs and desires, and respecting their wishes when they're perfectly reasonable. That would have been so easy to do, and I know I could do it now, but it's too late. Not forever, but definitely for now. You can love someone with all of your heart, but it won't matter if you don't allow them to be comfortable. I know that now. I'm going to take this time to try and confirm what I already know, that none of this would have happened if I kept my perspective. You don't meet people every day who make you THAT happy, so that has to mean something, right? If you could sit there and be with someone nearly every second of every day, that has to mean something, right? Maybe it doesn't. But it's time to get happy and figure that out.

    It's not that it wouldn't have worked out regardless. It's that I got stupid and messed up something we both knew was really good at first. And I can't blame her for not believing me right now. I need to fix my own house for my own happiness.

    I am moving on, but I can always hope in the back of my mind that I can have one more shot at what I want if that person sees the true me again. When I met that person, we both knew it was something special. And it still is. It wouldn't be so hard on both of us if wasn't.

    Perspective, people. Learn it. Perspective and the power of attitude are the absolute keys to happiness in every facet of life. I had happiness, and I lost perspective, so I lost that happiness. Think about every person you've ever known, and you'll quickly realize that the happiest ones aren't necessarily the ones who had the best lives. They just had the best attitude. They were thankful for everything they had around them. They didn't take the people who loved them for granted. They didn't hate anyone, even people who did unspeakably bad things to them.

    They were just happy because, dammit, life is good. Look at the luxuries we have around us. We have so much to be thankful for.

    No matter what happens, I will be fine. Writing helps. More exercising will, too. There's a lot of remodeling work left at my house, too, and I should have more time for that.

    I also now have the opportunity to reconnect with people I never should have lost touch with. That starts today. I'm coming home for a few days, Knoxville. It's like a stupid network television drama … I'm coming home a little battered and wounded and hoping you can fix me like you always do. I may never have permanent residence there again, but there's a feeling the people in that city give me that few in this city have matched.

    Well, one person did.

    That person has never doubted my feelings for her, and the more I think about it, the more I think that person absolutely did the best thing for both of us this week. I needed a lesson, and I promise I already learned it. I just hope I didn't learn it too late.

    I ask everyone to treat every situation with everyone they love like it could be the last they enjoy with them in that capacity. Ask yourself every time, "Is this worth it?" I'm telling you, if you're arguing, it's probably not. It won't work every time, and it won't fix every situation, but it's a hell of a foundation.

    I love all of you. Seriously. I'm going to prove it, too.
  2. Bob Slydell

    Bob Slydell Active Member

    After she broke up with did she tell you, can't touch this.

    But seriously, tough break. Plenty of fish, all that crap.
  3. poindexter

    poindexter Well-Known Member

  4. zeke12

    zeke12 Guest

    That's good advice.
  5. Bob Slydell

    Bob Slydell Active Member

    Well, at least it's to the point.
  6. bydesign77

    bydesign77 Active Member

    Sometimes, break ups can be a real life changers. Some times they aren't. It's all in finding perspective, as you mentioned, hammer pants.

    My life changing one happened as a sophomore in college. Actually, it was two in a row. The first was a long-term relationship that ended with her leaving me for a guy that she eventually married. Problem was, we met during registration at school. And, I don't think I ever told her (and maybe that's why she ended up leaving me) how much of my motivator she was at school. She was always supportive and we had several classes together, meaning I always had a partner in class. Even on the days we ditched school to stay in bed with each other were real important to me. When we broke up, I lacked the desire to go to class anymore, and ended up withdrawing that semester.

    The second was the rebound girl that turned into my real first true love. Then her parents moved (and even though we were in college, she couldn't afford to live away from home, so she moved, too) and that was that.

    The two events led to my withdrawal completely from school. Which I have regreted ever sense. And I know I shouldn't have been so stupid to throw my education away like that.

    Now, I'm 30 and trying to finish up that degree. I'm down to 27 hours left.

    Learn from this and don't do anything that will damage your life. As bad as it feels now, you CAN make it worse. Or better.

    It's up to you.
  7. Bob Slydell

    Bob Slydell Active Member

    As Silent Bob said, almost verbatim I think, there are plenty of fine women out there, but not all of them bring you lasagna at work. Some of them just cheat on you.

    Words to live by.
  8. Just_An_SID

    Just_An_SID Active Member

    Reggie Dunlop: She underlines the fuck scenes for ya? Jesus, if she underlines the fuck scenes for ya, she must worship the ground you walk on.
    Ned Braden: They teach you how to underline in college.
    Reggie Dunlop: Not the fuck scenes, they don't.

    (Edited to properly list quote and not to steal Zeke's thunder on the next post)
  9. zeke12

    zeke12 Guest

    They teach you how to underline in college.

    Not the fuck scenes, they don't.
  10. Songbird

    Songbird Well-Known Member

    Hammer, everything will be fine. Experience the emotions, and soon you'll be ready to move forward.

    Man, this reminds me of this month's Harper's, in Lewis Lapham's Notebook, about learning from the past to grow in the future. I suggest you read it. Could help.

    Anyway, people break up everyday. It hurts to the core. Do some good things for yourself. Be selfish for yourself for a week or two. And post here; we're all here to help you through the pain.
  11. Sorry to hear that, Hammer.

    What time do you want to hit the strip clubs?
  12. Hammer Pants

    Hammer Pants Active Member

    The thing about it is, I feel better. Seriously. Not because she's not around, though. I miss the shit out of her. I'm just saying, happiness starts with home. When things piss you off, you can often look inside and exhaust every resource there before depending others to help you. If you can't be happy enough on your own, you can't be happy enough with anyone.

    What is really a big deal? That's all I'm saying. If I'd been happier the past couple of months and we broke up, I could say for sure it wouldn't have worked out ... at least not right now. But I'm young, and she's younger, so who knows what will happen? The point is I've just got to have perspective regardless. If we're back together tomorrow, if I meet someone else tomorrow, if I see her downtown with someone else in the near future ... perspective.

    It's all good. Seriously. I reconnected last night for the first time in five years with my best friend from high school, who is still in a wheelchair with brain injuries from a car wreck. I drove home and went to an outdoor concert downtown that had to have 30,000-plus people, and I turn around, and there he was with his stepfather. I was so stunned that I spilled part of my beer on his arm, and he just shook his head as best he could and started laughing. His speech is still slow, and his attempts at walking are still so-so, but he's still trying. He was a good wide receiver and right fielder at 17 years old at 6-3, 190 pounds or so, and doctors say that still doesn't hurt his chances. His parents said he still talks about me every day and started taking some sportswriting classes at a nearby community college. He's going to e-mail me some of his stories, and I can't even imagine how long they take him to type. Surely he has one of those microphone transcribing devices. But I got that connection back and I'm not letting go of it again.

    The first thing he told me was "I love you, man. It's OK. I understand. Don't apologize."

    This whole week is now officially a bad network drama ... The kind of thing that doesn't seem possible until it happens to you. What an emotional week. What are the odds of posting what I posted yesterday and then randomly running into him?
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