I murder insects.

I saw another one in my bathtub tonight. One of those fucking 30-legged freak shows that don't even have the dignity to officially be centipedes.

Silverfish.



Did you ever squeeze one of these fuckers from the bottom, watching the top part wriggle around as though it had a complex-enough nervous system to understand pain? Did you ever flush one while it was still alive, watching it attempt to climb the porcelain as the cascading water takes it to inevitable death?

I got my boxers on
I got my T-shirt on
I got tissues in hand
It's been too long

Bug killer, better you than me
Bug killer, insect brutality



The thing that really fucking grinds me about these motherfuckers is when people stand up for them, as if insects have some sort of unassailable right to be here. This is my apartment, and I'm paying a third of my annual income to live here by myself. You ain't put in on this, man.

I don't understand how, in many states, it's legal to fire a bullet into the brain of an intruder, but there are people who try to protect insect life. And what exactly do these motherfuckers do, anyway? We're all here for a reason, except insects. I get that worms loosen up soil and spiders kill flies and ants and bees pollinate flowers, but someone tell me what any of that has to do with my apartment.

I own two fly swatters. I live in a one-bedroom apartment. I like to keep one in reach at all times, like James Bond sleeping with a gun under the pillow. And I murder savagely.

That motherfucker drowned. I hope his children watched him die.

 

Better a Silverfish than a centipede. Those fuckers can bring the pain if they get a hold of some skin.

 

I, too, am an insect murderer. I keep a spray bottle of insect killer stuff handy so I can chase down any cockroaches that stray into my home and watch those nasty fuckers drown in the stuff. They don't go down easily. Even dead they so ook me out that I use a paper towel and a plastic bag to pick them up (thank you Palm Beach Post for delivering the paper in plastic bags perfect for cleaning up bugs and dog crap).

 

Are we sure that's a silverfish?

 

My gf does that - even to venomous brown recluses that seem to enjoy my home. Drives me nuts. I tell her the spider would gladly kill and eat me if he had the chance; we owe it no favors.

 

I got bit by a brown recluse once-not fun.

If I didn't live in a suburban area, I would shoot and kill squirrels. Insects don't bother me as much, but those fuzzy rats with tails must die.

 

Spiders freaked me out until I learned they eat mosquitoes. Yeah, spiders!