I Just Spoke With Rex Ryan

"Hi this is Rex Ryan I have Rachel Nichols tied up on my couch."

 

My paper — the one I fucking work for — calls me every week asking to subscribe.

Every. Goddamned. Week. (And yes, I already subscribe. Seven days a week.)

 

"This is Adam Dunn, left fielder from the Washington Nationals. While I recorded this, I took strike three looking. Next time you're in D.C. and you see me strike out or butcher my left field duties, tell 'em the Big Donkey sent ya!"

 

"Hi Moddy. This is Ron Villone. I wasn't good enough to cut in the Guatemalan D-League, but the Washington Nationals are a team that believes in 15th chances. So here's your 15th chance to renew your season tickets!"

 

Hi this is JP Riccardi I told everyone that Adam Dunn sucked but no one would listen.

 

Fixed.

 

"Hi this is Jim Bowden. While I'm no longer employed by the Washington Nationals, my ego told me that your life would be affirmed if you got a call from me, even if it was recorded.

"If you're lucky enough to be a Latino ballplayer, I'll gladly talk to you in person provided you give me a routing number for your bank account.

"Now ponder the magnitude of being talked to by me, live in my refracted glow, and remember I am innocent of all charges. Peace out."

 

"Hi, this is the original Washington Senators. Stop wearing our fucking hats. You're embarrassing us."

 

Hi Jim this is the IRS we would like to conduct a full audit on your past 2 years income.

 

Fixed.

 

This is thread of the year material.

I've laughed out loud about six times.

Oh, and ...

"Hi, Moddy. I'm Lastings Milledge. Remember me, dawg? I'm calling on behalf of the Syracuse Chiefs, the AAA affiliate of the Nationals. We were hoping to interest you in a summer vacation in New York. While here, you can check on the progress of all the Nationals flameouts (Collin Balester is here with me, bro). Plus, we'll promise you'll get to see underwhelming retread Josh Towers and his unhittable 87 mph fastball start a game if you reserve now. I'm hoping I see you again soon. Feel free to say hi. I'm currently on the seven-day disabled list. I'm easy to pick out. I'm the dude who doesn't hustle. Ever."