1. Welcome to SportsJournalists.com, a friendly forum for discussing all things sports and journalism.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register for a free account to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Access to private conversations with other members.
    • Fewer ads.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon!

I am young and looking for a critique of my work

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by pride of pleasantville, Mar 12, 2010.

  1. Thanks Bud Crew I saw that on Sportscenter, but it was a good article.
     
  2. First, thanks to everyone who helped me on the Baylor vs.Duke recap. I was going to edit it, but I felt that I should try to write another recap. So here it is of the NIT Final.

    Dayton Wins First NIT Title Since 1968
    New York- Marcus Johnson scored 20 points, and Tournament MVP Chris Johnson added 14 including, a big 3 pointer, that he followed up with a slam dunk to put Dayton ahead by 9 points with just under four minutes left in the game. The Flyers (25-12) never looked back, beating the 2009 National Champion, North Carolina 79-68. It is the Flyers third title (they won the NIT in 1962 and 1968) in their 22nd appearance in the NIT.
    The Tar Heels (20-17) while failing to be the first team ever to win the National Championship in one season and then in the following season win the NIT, did make history as senior Deon Thompson (who added 13 points in 10 rebounds) played in his 152 career game, which gave him the NCAA record for most games played in a career.
    Will Graves led the way for the Tar Heels with 25 points, as he broke out of a 7-33 slump for the 3 point range, as he shoot 7-14 from beyond the arc. The only other starting senior, who was hurt during last years national title run, Marcus Ginyard had only 2 points to end a disappointing senior year which started with a pre-season rank of 6 in the AP poll.
     
  3. budcrew08

    budcrew08 Active Member

    Way too many numbers in the lead. If you want to keep one, have it be the leading scorer for Dayton. Get the final score as high as you can in your recap. It's buried where it is. Definitely a good effort overall though.
     
  4. Thanks, one question though. Are you saying I should write out the numbers or get rid of some of the numbers.
     
  5. KJIM

    KJIM Well-Known Member

    Get rid of. Don't make your readers struggle to understand what's happening. If you have to stop and do math, it's too many numbers.

    It's OK to eventually include them, just don't throw too much out there at once.

    General comment: watch out for excessive commas.
     
  6. Okay. So if you were to make changes to the first paragraph what would you have changed?
     
  7. KJIM

    KJIM Well-Known Member

    As I said on the other thread, take it to your English teacher and have him or her look at it.

    Most people here are happy to help and give overall advice, but few people have time to edit and rewrite each story you do.

    Take the suggestions made on the three threads and put them into practice. Read, compare, take to your teacher, that kind of thing.
     
  8. Stitch

    Stitch Active Member

    No need to post your game recaps here. IMHO, it should be used for non-routine stuff we're you feel stuck and not a place for Podunk High's last game story.
     
  9. Okay, where should I post them?
     
  10. My English teacher is having a baby and will not help, she leaves as soon as school ends, and will not help me.
     
  11. zebracoy

    zebracoy Guest

    If anyone's able to post one of the 250-word immediate AP stories here from those games tonight for the young POP, it might do him some good, if only for imitation purposes.
     
  12. Stitch

    Stitch Active Member

    Here's on from a spring training game story. I took out the quotes.

    JACKSONVILLE, Fla. (AP) — Tim Torres hit a two-run homer in the eighth inning to help the Class AA Jacksonville Suns beat the Florida Marlins 4-3 on Friday night.

    Torres' one-out home run off Scott Strickland overshadowed a strong outing by Florida starter Ricky Nolasco.

    Nolasco struck out seven and gave up only two hits in five innings. Both hits came in the first inning and one was Mike Stanton's 420-foot stadium clearing two-run homer.

    Nolasco then retired 12 of the last 13 batters he faced, with Lorenzo Scott reaching on an error by Florida shortstop Hanley Ramierz in the third. Nolasco picked off Scott to end the inning.

    Nolasco, 13-9 last season, ended the spring giving up just one walk in 30 1-3 innings. He struck out 28.

    Florida starting second baseman Dan Uggla was hit on the left hand by a pitch in the second and left the game.

    Reliever Brian Sanches pulled his right hamstring while warming up to start the seventh inning.

    ---
    As for where to post stuff, try Bleacher Report. Perfect place for a "citizen" journalist.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted

Share This Page