I am Jack's out-of-control consumer impulse

When Tyler Durden said, "The things you own end up owning you," I smiled and nodded my head. I got it. I believed it. I knew it was true and knew it would always be true.

So what did I buy yesterday? One of those rectangular rugs for the bathroom floor. Why? I have no idea. Sure, it might help keep my feet warmer when taking a dump, but is my life really that much better off because I have a hunter green 21" x 24" rug from -- get this -- Bed, Bath and Beyond in my fucking bathroom. I do not need this rug. I will never need this rug. But I have this rug.

And it's not just the rug. I bought a new tv stand and a bookshelf-looking thing that holds the components of a stereo system I don't even own.

And last week I returned some t-shirts, putting $25 back on my credit card. So what I do? I go buy some different t-shirts plus another shirt, putting me $40 in the hole.

Why? Why am I doing this? I'm still 26, still single and still live by myself. I still believe in what Tyler Durden said. Nothing has changed, but I keep buying shit, shit I don't need.

Please help me.

 

Without the rug, you got the floor all wet when getting out of the shower, and it was only a matter of time before you slipped and fell and hit your head and died.

Bed, Bath and Beyond SAVED YOUR LIFE!

 

Women will appreciate that rug.

 

I never thought I'd read those seven words in that particular order.

 

I'm not going to lie, that makes me feel a lot better.

 

It's funny because it's true.

 

I certainly never thought they'd be directed at me.

I will say, though, the odds are in your favor in that place. The only other guy in there was an employee. You just need to pick the right time to go.

 

I think I bought my rugs in there, but it might have been Target. The only times I've ever been in Bed, Bath and Beyond, I've had women with me.

 

I originally went in there looking for kitchen utensils. I showed some restraint there, deciding there was no way to justify spending $10 for a whisk or tongs when a fork does the same thing.

 

For two-plus years, I walked up and down the utensil aisles, but could never pull the trigger on buying a whisk. The one I had sucked hardcore, but I couldn't imagine spending $6 on a new one. When I visited my family over Christmas, my parents and I were talking in their kitchen, and they said, "Before you go back home, do some shopping around the house." About two seconds after my mom said that, I reached for their whisk and said, "I'm taking this."

I used it a couple of weeks ago, and it was awesome. It might be the best $6 I never spent.

 

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the $40 I spent on two barstools over the weekend. I do not have a bar.

 

As mentioned, the bathroom rug is the first incremental step toward solving your singlehood problem.

And despite all Tyler's philosophizing, he did everything to end up with Helena Bonham Carter.