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HS VB gamer - take 2

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by the_rookie, Oct 10, 2007.

  1. the_rookie

    the_rookie Member

    After reading the advice on my writing, I took it into last week and here's what I came up with:

    Serving a strong point for senior Warriors
    CERTAIN players on the QEDHS Warriors senior boys volleyball team have
    their own technique and rituals when it comes to serving.
    Matt Monkman begins by bouncing the ball once, then slides before stepping into his overhand serve.
    For Riley Barkman, it’s the jump serve.
    Other players also do the typical overhand or a nice lofting underhand serve.
    But Ryan Kulchyski’s form is becoming more like a routine.
    “Oh, my routine? I started my routine in Grade 9 basketball. It’s two bounces
    (and) I just kind of spin the ball in my hands a bit, like back and fourth. It’s
    also my free-throw form,” explained the tall, curly haired power hitter.
    After Kulchyski finishes polishing the ball, he takes a two-hop skip, throws the ball in the air and jumps as high as he can. When he lands, he’s almost halfway
    up the court – all while doing it legally and not tripping over the service line.
    Serving is now a strong point in the Warriors game. The team has been practicing the art and Warriors head coach Bob O’Donohue believes it’s going to pay off.
    “We’ve been spending time at practice working on it,” said O’Donohue.
    “We have three or four boys who can put the ball over the net and shake up the other team.
    “We have spent far more time this year working on
    the jump serve.”
    The Warriors put their practice to use Thursday afternoon with a match against the Rainy River Owls.
    Right from the fi rst serve, the Owls had trouble receiving the powerful and accurate serves from the Warriors’ hands.
    The Warriors won all three games by scores of 25-18, 25-10 and 25-11.
    “(The jump serve) is very important. Both psycologically and physically receiving it. The psychology factor may be the biggest issue, especially if you start scoring with
    it. Then the other team doesn’t want to see it,” said O’Donohue.
    Next practice the Warriors will continue to practice serving, especially the jump serve.
    O’Donohue said there are a few players who haven’t quite got the pattern
    down for the jump serve, but hopes they will by the end of the season.
    “We can’t let off. We have to make sure they continue to work on technique.
    “It will be pretty rare in this league.”
    Kulchyski is thankful the coach has given him time to work on the jump
    “I have a lot more time to work on it, whereas I wouldn’t normally practice
    it,” said Kulchyski.
    Though the Warriors (4-2) are beating the weaker teams with their powerful serves, the real test will come when they face off against stronger schools.
    “Right now, playing some weaker teams, (the jump serve) is not as important,”
    said Kulchyski. “But when it comes to playing some stronger teams in the league, the competition before the final, it’s hopefully going to prove useful."
  2. Stitch

    Stitch Active Member

    Not really a gamer. It reads like a feature. Some stats on the number of aces would be good and also how maybe how often the opposition had the ball after a serve. If they were able to get the ball more than once in a rally, it really doesn't matter how well a team serves.

    Attribute all quotes, such as this one: “We can’t let off. We have to make sure they continue to work on technique.
    “It will be pretty rare in this league.”
  3. Orange Hat Bobcat

    Orange Hat Bobcat Active Member

    I agree with adkinsjm.

    This story doesn't just read like a feature. It is a feature. There is no mention that this team played a match other than the three game scores in the 12th paragraph and the team's record in the 19th paragraph. It is, by no means, a gamer.

    That said, you explain how this team has developed its service game this season well and thoroughly. Perhaps a little too much reliance on quotes throughout the middle sections, but I'm willing to overlook that. If this were a midweek feature, yeah, it's pretty good.

    Just not a gamer.
  4. jlee

    jlee Active Member

    This could use some elaboration.

    I liked your description of the serve. "Forth," not "fourth" in the first quote, though.

    Good stuff. Thanks for posting it.
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