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HS track feature

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by ccraker, Apr 19, 2007.

  1. ccraker

    ccraker Guest

    Any help would be appreciated.

    By Craig Craker
    ccraker@oaoa.com

    Here we go again.
    Another sport trained for another season lost.
    That is how it first appeared to Iraan’s Andre Hernandez when he strained his hamstring before the track and field season started.
    Hernandez had already missed the football sea-son with a sinus problem, which caused fainting, severe bloody noses and dizziness.
    When he strained his hamstring, Hernandez thought nothing else could go wrong.
    “I was just like, ‘You know this can’t be happening. This is my senior year and I can’t have all this bad stuff happening to me,’” Hernandez said.
    After intense electro-shock therapy and rehabbing his leg, Hernandez returned to the track March 17 and quickly found his form.
    “Andre is just pretty competitive,” Iraan head boys track and field coach Kevin Bryant said. “Once he gets out there on the track, he is going to see whatever it takes and try to get there.”
    The senior qualified for the Region I-2A meet at Abilene Christian University next week in the 100- and 400-meter dashes, the high jump and as part of the 1,600-meter relay team.
    “My luck has changed a little bit,” Hernandez said. “(The leg injury) didn’t bother me too much at first, but then I told myself maybe it is a sign.
    “I am perfect now, in perfect condition.”
    Hernandez’s return helped lead the Braves to the District 7-1A and 7-1A/8-1A area team champi-onships.
    “His return has been a big boost to our track situation,” Iraan athletic director Joe Willis said. “He got out and has done well. He has bounced back and done a good job.”
    This will be the third consecutive year Hernan-dez has qualified for the regional meet, though he is hoping to qualify for the UIL Class 1A state meet in Austin for the first time.
    “I tell myself right now that I am going to qualify for state,” Hernandez said. “I have been nervous the past two years and that has messed me up.
    “This time I am going to leave that memory behind and go for it.”
     
  2. Problem areas in italics, my comments in bold
    Overall, it's pretty dull. Try to find more color and flush out those quotes with more probing interview questions.
     
  3. ccraker

    ccraker Guest

    Thanks for the help. The random hyphens are put in by our word processing system, so they are kind of not really typos.
     
  4. dawgpounddiehard

    dawgpounddiehard Active Member

    Craig,

    I take it you didn't have too much room to really get going? It seems pretty short for a feature. But, there are short stories that read long and long stories that read short.

    Anyway, you missed the opportunity for a great lede. I'm big on ledes. When I get quotes and a topic like you were offered here, I want to nail it so I can really suck my audience in. Once you suck them in, you're golden.

    OK, so he said he, "already missed the football sea-son with a sinus problem, which caused fainting, severe bloody noses and dizziness."

    Then, he strained his hamstring.

    When talking to him a light should have went off in your head. First, you wanted to really get his thoughts on how he felt when he felt the pain of a hamstring, where in the race he suffered it, how, why and what he was thinking when the pain hit, that night, etc.

    Tell the reader about his other injuries, what this kid went through then him them with this quote...

    “My luck has changed a little bit,” Hernandez said. “(The leg injury) didn’t bother me too much at first, but then I told myself maybe it is a sign.
    “I am perfect now, in perfect condition.”

    Finally write you're nut graph about how he qualified for the Region I-2A in the events.

    Or something like that... what I'm saying is you had the potential to really grab the reader there, this seemed like an extraordinary story of overcoming adversity. People eat that stuff up.
     
  5. I like what the above guys/gals said. One other thing I try to avoid is repeating key words and phrases. Toward the end you write "he says he is hoping to qualify for the UIL Class 1A state meet..." Then you immediately quote the kid saying, "“I tell myself right now that I am going to qualify for state..." All you're doing is repeating yourself.

    Also, you mention the Region I-2A meet, then you mention the state 1A meet in Austin. Is he at a 1A or a 2A school? As a fellow Texas sports reporter, I'll make sure to look for him in Austin.
     
  6. ccraker

    ccraker Guest

    Thanks again for the advice, I guess I need to try and generate more time to work on my features so I have more time to rework them.
    FireJimTressel: It is the Region I-1A, I apparently got confused from writing too many track stories.
     
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