1. Welcome to SportsJournalists.com, a friendly forum for discussing all things sports and journalism.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register for a free account to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Access to private conversations with other members.
    • Fewer ads.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon!

HS Gamer - Would love some feedback

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by SP7988, Sep 18, 2014.

  1. SP7988

    SP7988 Member


    I noticed this forum seems to be a little more livelier than in the past. Would love to get a little feedback on the latest gamer I did for a boys' soccer match.


    Thanks in advance.
  2. Batman

    Batman Well-Known Member

    That's a pretty solid effort, especially for a 0-0 game. My nitpicks are minor:

    1) I would've liked to have seen a bit more of a description of the final save. I think one more paragraph would've done it, and you could've still kept the quote the same. You might also have been able to work it into a narrative lead that drew the reader into the story and still told them everything that was there.
    It's fine the way it is. Good, even. Just something to think about.

    2) A brief mention of the shot totals for Framingham also would've been nice. You talk about the scoring chances Adjei and Nardizzi created, but one stat dropped in there could've enhanced that. You don't even need those guys' specific totals, just how many shots and shots on goal the team had. A quick paragraph describing one of their best chances would accomplish the same thing.

    3) Good job working three different quotes into a relatively short story. None of them feel extraneous. They all work.

    On the whole, a solid, solid effort. Like I said, the nitpicks are minor. Good job.
  3. Riptide

    Riptide Well-Known Member

    Good story, but check that lede:

    Parallel construction: Plural on one side requires plural on the other side.
  4. SP7988

    SP7988 Member

    ^ahhh. Good catch there.

    Thanks a lot. That was very informative and a lot of helpful advice.

    As for 1, I would have loved to go a little indepth but they usually keep the recaps a little on the shorter side with the roundups. I think 250-300 words is usually as much as we get. But I could have definitely snuck it in there, now that I look back at it.

    Thanks to both. Always awesome to get feedback.
Draft saved Draft deleted

Share This Page