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HS football gamer

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by GreenSunglasses, Oct 4, 2007.

  1. With as much as I enjoy this site, I feel it's long past time for me to submit myself and continue to seek advice to improve my writing.

    Here goes.


    Two articles of clothing — a shoe that fell off and a jersey that wouldn't — prevented Lanier running back Josh Gamez from putting up two more touchdowns on Friday night.

    Gamez rushed for two scores and threw for another to lead the Voks to a dominant 42-14 victory over the Burbank Bulldogs on Friday night to begin District 28-4A play in front of 2,396 fans at Alamo Stadium.

    The senior scored twice on the ground in the first and third quarters on runs of 18 and 23 yards, respectively, and completed a 47-yard scoring pass to Jonathan Luna late in the fourth.

    "It was just a good night for him, and the offensive line opened some holes and got some more yardage," Lanier coach Don Gatian said. "But we need to work better because teams are going to try and take Josh away and then we'll have to start throwing the ball."

    Throwing might not be a bad idea for the Voks (3-2, 1-0), as Gamez and quarterback Christian Jackson combined to throw for 231 yards.

    In the second quarter with the Bulldogs (2-3, 0-1) stacking the line of scrimmage, Gamez took a handoff from Jackson and lofted a pass to tight end Dereck Peneulas, who broke three tackles before a Bulldogs defender snagged his jersey at the Burbank 2.

    "I thought he was going to break it because he had more speed, but I guess not," Gamez said jokingly.

    Dion Moreno scored on the next play to give the Voks a 21-7 lead going into halftime.

    Later, Gamez's shoe fell off as he was tackled at the Burbank 3. Rudy Guerra took over and walked into the end zone just before the third-quarter buzzer sounded, giving the Voks a commanding lead.

    Dago Garcia threw two touchdown passes for the Bulldogs.

    "Some people felt that Lanier was going to be down coming into this district game," Gatian said. "But I put these guys to the test, and I told them, 'I want to win and I want to win big.'"


    After the fanfare of the fight song died down, Jefferson coach Brian Clancy told his team that none of its non-district play mattered, including a 37-0 victory over Memorial minutes earlier.

    Like the start of fall today, Clancy wants his team to begin anew when it returns to the field.

    "We're zero-and-zero," he said. "We're not going to be able to come out and feel the game next week.

    "If you want to start the run for your district title, that starts Monday -- and we're going to have to crank it up a little bit."

    Jefferson, which plays in 28-4A, took advantage of a number of Memorial miscues and spent most of its time on offense in Minutemen territory in the first half.

    The problems for Memorial began quickly. Before the Minutemen (0-4) could take their first snap, a communication glitch forced Memorial to burn its first timeout.

    The game didn't get any better.

    Five fumbles -- Jefferson would recover four -- allowed the Mustangs to take a 23-0 lead going into halftime. The first turnover gave the Mustangs possession at the Memorial 13 and Mustangs running back Dominic Cortez scored from 3 yards out for his first TD of the game.

    "I just want to give our linemen credit," Jefferson quarterback Steven Zulaica said. "What they do for me to get the ball off to our receivers and (to give) our running backs the room, they should get the credit for everything we do."

    With 10 minutes left in the second quarter, Zulaica led a 7-play drive capped by his sneak into the end zone from a yard out. He scored again later in the quarter.

    The Mustangs finished non-district play with a 3-1 record and face the high-powered offense of Sam Houston on Friday at the SAISD Complex.

    Zulaica, who had 176 total yards, was quick to reiterate his coach's warning about taking the Hurricanes lightly.

    "A bunch of us went to their game, and they're a fast team," he said. "Our defense is playing good and I think our defense can stop them, but my offense has to pick it up."


    Thanks in advance for the help, everybody.
  2. DGRollins

    DGRollins Member

    Both articles are solid, serviceable pieces. I could nitpick some things (like your choice of "dominant 42-14 victory" in the first piece. Lose "dominant." It's redundant in front of a scoreline of 42-14), but I'm going to focus on your leads.

    In the first story, the lead had promise. However, after teasing me with the information you make me wait five paragraphs before giving me more detail. In between, I'm treated with some dull stats and a no-shit quote from the coach. There is lots of time for you to tell me that that 2,396 people watched that game and to let the coach talk about the need to diversify the offense. Get me back to the scene you set in the lead.

    Actually, I would have committed to more of an anecdotal lead to begin with. As it is, you kind of did a tweener lead--it isn't a summary, it isn't really an anecdotal either. Describe the play where his shoe pops off. Then talk about how that was about the only thing stopping him that night. Then, show me a bit of his personality through a quote or two...then give me his numbers and let the coach--or, better yet, the opposing team's coach--talk about him.

    In the second story, your lead doesn't work at all. It's written fine, it just doesn't suit the story. What you have, actually, is your lead for next week's advance story.

    Not having been at the game, I can't offer you a suggestion on what would be better (a good anecdotal lead is always best, in my opinion), but something that actually speaks to the matter at hand would be preferable--maybe a reference to Memorial's inability to protect the ball...?
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