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How would you pitch it?

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by bigpern23, Feb 1, 2007.

  1. OK, so you've got this former Special Forces badass, let's call him Matrix. We've got this new guy to play him, Arnold Something. He was Conan, whatever, may never amount to much because of his accent; but dammit, he's got muscles. Anyway, he's retired somewhere in the hills of California with his daughter. We need a good, established young actress. Who's that little sprite from Who's the Boss? Oh yeah, Alyssa Milano. She's so wholesome, there's no chance she'll ever do anything untoward. No, no. It'll be fine. I don't care if she's 4-4 and that Arnold guy's like 6-5. It'll be believable, trust me. So these South American drug dealers, with the guy who plays Carla from Cheers' ex-husband as the big boss, come and kidnap his daughter because they want him to kill someone for them. I know he's retired, but he has a cache of weapons in his toolshed. Then he meets up with that creepy guy from The Warriors and 48 Hours. Yeah, he'll play a creepy guy again. Matrix promises to kill him last, but he lied. So now Arnold's pissed. 150 dead drug dealers later ... what? I realize Matrix never reloads his weapons once; you think the idiots in the audience will notice? Anyway, Matrix kills everyone, says some memorable one-liners, rescues his daughter, then goes off into the sunset with Tommy Chong's daughter, who is able to fly them back home. How can this miss?
     
  2. bigpern23

    bigpern23 Well-Known Member

    Nicely done, Ellis. No boasting about what you can or will do. You simply went out and performed (I'm so disappointed in Cradlerobber :()

    OK, here's another:

    Alright, Sly Stallone is real tough dude right? Well who could be tougher than him? I'll tell you who ... Estelle Getty.

    Wasn't she the whore on Golden Girls?

    No, she was the sarcastic one. Anyway, between her dry wit and Sly's biceps, this is a sure winner.

    How is she involved with Sly though? She's not his ... love interest, is she?

    No, no, no. He's a cop who wears one of thos dumbass coats with the leather patches on the arms. Anyway, he's kind of a tool, I mean, who would see that coming, right? -- and he needs help from his Mom, who's like Dirty Harry with dirty depends. We'll call it, "Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot!"

    And this has nothing to do with insulin injections?

    Nope. She carries a .44 Magnum. I mean, come on! Estelle Getty and a .44 Magnum. This has hit written all over it!

    All right, let's do it! Can we get the whore from Golden Girls as his love interest?

    Sorry, Rue McClanahan is filming Geriatric Heat for Cinemax during our shooting schedule.

    Oh. Ok, let's do it anyway.
     
  3. OK, here's the premise. You take two likable guys working for an insurance company. We need big names, though. Wait, Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy are available? Fucking book them yesterday. So anyway, they come across a glitch in the numbers and realize someone's stealing from the company. They take this to the boss; let's get the guy who gets pitchforked by Jason in Friday the 13th, Part VII to play him. I realize he's obscure, but we're blowing most of our budget to book Silverman and McCarthy. Anyway, the boss invites them to his house in the Hamptons so he can have them killed. But he gets whacked by a mob enforcer before they get there, because the mob boss figures out the insurance guy is fucking his wife. Except, instead of the standard mob way of shooting him in the head and dumping the body in the ocean, they poison him and leave him in the house looking relatively intact. The guys discover the body, but before they can call the cops a party breaks out at the house and people think this guy's still alive. So Silverman and McCarthy play along, because free vacations in the Hamptons don't just come by every day. And no one ever realizes the guy's dead, even the hitman who killed him. The dead guy goes swimming, gets fucked by some random girl (did I mention the wonders of rigor mortis?) and even gets buried in the sand by some bastard kid. Isn't that funny? No, no one ever notices the smell of the corpse decaying in the sun. So the guys get a kickass vacation, Silverman fucks the hot chick from The Last Starfighter even though he tried to bang her at his grandparents' house earlier in the week and everyone lives happily ever after -- even the dead guy. Let's call him Bernie. Book it!
     
  4. Double J

    Double J Active Member

    Since it's pick on Sly night....not that there's anything wrong with that.....

    "Chief, I've got a huge hit right here!! It's called 'Rhinestone' and it's about a macho cab driver who becomes a country music star after receiving expert tutelage from the biggest female star in the biz!"

    "Okay, so who plays who?"

    "Well, we've got Dolly Parton lined up to play the female. Big star, big hair, big...well, you know. She held her own with Burt Reynolds in that whorehouse movie a couple years ago, so obviously she's got the acting chops."

    "You're right. I'm liking it. But who'll play the cabbie?"

    "Are you ready for this? Sylvester Stallone wants the part!!!"

    "Parton and Stallone? In the same picture? You're yanking my chain."

    "No way, chief! Sly wants this one bad."

    "How bad?"

    "He says he'll forego his salary and work for a percentage of the gross. That's how sure he is this'll be a smash. And, let's face it, his instincts are second to none when it comes to hits."

    "Yeah, but....I'm just not sure about one thing, and it's a big, big thing. Honestly, how credible is this whole premise? Sly as a superstar singer after getting tutored by Dolly?"

    "Chief, I totally know where you're coming from. But don't worry, Dolly really can act!"

    "Well, if you're absolutely sure, let's go for it! Besides, what have we got to lose? Name recognition alone will easily put this movie in the black."
     
  5. bigpern23

    bigpern23 Well-Known Member

    Bump for the day crew
     
  6. kokane_muthashed

    kokane_muthashed Active Member

    "Let's take an hourlong plot from the X-Files and stretch it out over 2 hours, making it twice as long. But we won't stop there ... we'll also make it twice as boring."

    "Brilliant. When can we start shooting?"
     
  7. slappy4428

    slappy4428 Active Member

    That title reads like an episode of News Radio...

    "The original title of this book was 'Jimmy James, Capitalist Lion Tamer' but I see now that it's... 'Jimmy James, Macho Business Donkey Wrestler'"
     
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