How would you do on Food Network's Chopped?

I'm a little disappointed you guys have forgotten The Urban Peasant with James Barber. Arguably my favourite show growing up. He would get sloshed on a regular basis. His best show was when he was cooking with I believe it was tequila. Probably drank as much as he put into the food. Was slurring his words and forgetting ingredients half way through the show. Outstanding. I know he passed a few years ago, but that's why they have syndication.

 

I still miss Grillin' and Chillin' with the pre-celebrity Bobby Flay and some guy portrayed as a country bumpkin. Flay would cook on a gas grill, and this other guy (Jack something) would cook on a charcoal grill. I have had enough of Paula Deen, Rachel Ray and even Giada being on 20 hours a day on that network. I'd rather get the Alton Brown, Tyler Lawrence and Anne Burrell shows where you can actually learn something about cooking. Even the latest Bobby Flay show where he grills on a rooftop has some good stuff.

2 other former(?) Food Network shows that I could watch forever (and that has nothing to do with food), were 5 Ingredient Fix with Claire Robinson ...



And Ask Aida ...

 

From watching Chopped, I do know what to do if they put jelly beans in the basket: You make a sauce.

Otherwise, I would be so freaking lost on there.

 

You hit Nos. 2 and 3 on the hit parade behind Giada, as far as I'm concerned.

Always have thought Clare Robinson was gorgeous. And honestly, I tripped upon Aida for the first time this afternoon on the Cooking Channel. Stayed with that show the whole way through.

 

Never seen ask Aida, but if we're going on the getting stuck on looks as you're flipping through, have to admit, pre-Oprah I couldn't help but watch Rachel Ray.

 

One of the restaurants went back to their old ways the next day. Not surprisingly, it went out of buisness quickly.

One that stood out was the Valley View. He fixed it up and things looked great for the owners. But I guess they were saddled with so much debt that they couldn't dig out of it despite their new-found success.

My favorite example of denial was the Memphis barbecue guy who had been struggling for 15 years. The first ingredient in his "family's" BBQ sauce that had been "handed down" to him was ... bottled barbeque sauce. All he did was add some random spices to it. And then Irvine made his own sauce and had the guy and his family members taste dishes cooked with each sauce ... and the doofus still thought his "family" sauce was better.

 

I hate the premise that someone is a Food Network "star" just because some idiotic execs say so. Won't waste my time with that.

 

Here's what I have learned:

1. It's exciting when someone has the balls to use the ice cream machine.
2. Ted Allen makes the converse/suit combo look acceptable.
3. If the competition involvesis a female contestant, she is a lesbian.
4. Every contestant has a sick family member. Cue sad music.
5. If you have no idea what to make for desert, go with bread pudding. If you have no idea what to prepare in the appetizer round, go with crostini.

 

6. If you finish cooking in 28 minutes, or 29 minutes and 15 seconds, instead of frantically plating at 29:59, you're a worthless, slacking hack and the judges will ask why you didn't use all the time.
7. Geoffrey Zakarian is a master of modern American cuisine.
8. You can't tell from this show, but it was obvious on Next Iron Chef, Alex Guarnaschelli needs to get out from behind the judges' desk and run some laps. Her ass is huge.
9. You can turn pretty much any dry food into breading for any kind of meat.
10. If you cut yourself in the kitchen, just put 10 rubber gloves on your hand to create a makeshift tourniquet.

 

Alex Guarnaschelli = Needs to disappear for about a year to an island and get happy because she always looks miserable


A good friend of mine is a chef in California and knows a few of these TV chefs. He said they go from working their asses off to make a big name and have a great restaurant or two, to chasing the money and becoming whores because they know it will go away in 3-5 years. They do the cupcake shows, teach someone to cook shows, judge this shitty food shows, "return to my roots" shows and then the new "star" has arrived to nudge them along.