Hotmail question

No shit. And what do they both have in common -- besides being stunningly handsome?

 

Um. . . I give up. Do tell

 

They both got in the way of Zack Morris' happiness. And that's never cool.

 

Speaking of Zack's "happiness" (and sorry for the threajack here) but I was having this debate with a few friends and none of us could decide: was Zack getting laid at bayside? I mean they made everyone so clean cut and innocent, but if Zack really was the big ladies man, and he never hinted at any big religious beliefs, wouldn't he have been getting some left and right? I vote yes, but I figure Mike is the athority on this one.

 

Well, sir. That's a tricky one. Zack's only serious girlfriend at Bayside High was Kelly Kapowski; Carosi was at the beach and Andrea was in Hawaii. Sure at graduation he says he'll miss his girlfriends, "all 86 of you," but none were really that evident. If he were really to have 86 different girlfriends during a four-year high school career, he'd have to date a new one every 2.41 weeks.

However, I have a feeling he counted Lisa, Tori, Ginger, Melissa -- the one in the wheelchair -- and any other girl he took out on a date. I don't consider them girlfriends, but I'm, sadly, not Zack Morris. If he did have sex with anyone, which wouldn't surprise me, it was probably with the cute blond who went to the toga party during Season 5 -- her name escapes me, though I don't think she's given one. Or Tori. She was the badass, remember, and I'll be they got together, though before the relationship could progress, she was gone and Jessie and Kelly were graduating.

No, Zack wasn't religious, and he was very mischievous. His dad wasn't around a whole lot, and his mom was very trusting. So I can go with the "Zack fucked in high school theory," but I'm not completely sold. Sex was the one subject the gang didn't tackle. They got drugs and relationships, babies -- and even showed cleavage (remember when Kelly was falling out of her Juliet dress at the prom?) -- but never discussed sex.

Obviously, he and Kelly had sex eventually; if they didn't fuck after marriage, something's fucking wrong -- no pun intended. But was Zack a virgin? Well, that's a different question altogether because you've got college. Granted, he only had a few dates before getting back with Kelly. But those dates generally started at the end of the episode, while Zack was walking out of the door with a blond temptress. So who knows where -- or how -- that evening ended?

If pressed, I'd say Zack had sex before he left high school. He and Slater were in such a big competition, that eventually, that conversation would come up. You know Screech wasn't getting laid; he and Violet wouldn't have poked, and her boyfriend, Maxwell Nerdstrom called her "Lame-lips," so you can take that for whatever it's worth.

Kelly was a good girl. She wasn't going to have sex until marriage. I don't even think she let Jeff or Professor Jeremiah Lasky get into her pants. She had her values straightened out. Lisa was a know-it-all, so she'd definitely give advice on the topic, but she never really dated anyone seriously, either. She walked off hand-in-hand with Zack once, went on a couple dates with that stooge, Bryan, and took the freshman football player Darrin to the Senior Kick-Off Party. But we don't know anything further. But Lisa dumped Bryan, and she's certainly not going to fuck a freshman -- especially if she'd never slept with anyone before.

Jessie is an odd duck. I think she and Slater fucked. She was always much more mature than the others and had that "I'm-too-smart-to-make-a-mistake" vibe with her. She had a lot of lust for Slater. Under all that sexist pig talk, she wanted him. And could you blame her? A.C. was ripped, a state wrestling champ, a football star and a member of the basketball team. Shit, I'd fuck him. (And I might have had the opportunity two Aprils ago, too.) And Slater got around. He went to 14 different schools and lived in six different countries before moving to Bayside for good. He had a girlfriend in Germany, and I know from experience those girls are ... experienced.

But Zack? I don't know. He probably did have sex before college, though not with a Bayside girl. I'll bet, if he did have sex, it was with Stacy Carosi or Andrea; who knows, maybe after they put the 4 year old to bed, she and Zack fucked like bunnies? I vote yes, too. Though I'm not certain. It's just a hunch.

I hope that answers your question -- and many, many more.

 

Holy shit that was thorough. Here I was about to get upset that you didn't respond to my question, only it turns out that you were just spending a lot of time on this breakdown. Well done, sir, well done. And Kelly at least blew Zack in high school, right?

 

Well, that's a different question entirely. ...

I don't have the energy. I don't think Kelly would have blown him until college. She was way too sweet.

And, sir, I'll never let you down -- not intentionally, at least.

 

I don't know, dude. She's the oldest of seven -- with five brothers. She had to look after all of them, take on a part-time job to help her family out when her dad got laid off from the National Defense plant; that's why she had to bail on "Zack and Kelly's Prom." I just think she was the kind of girl who made out and dry-humped, but called it a night when things started to elevate.

But we'll probably never know. Stupid Brandon Tartikoff and Peter Engel. ...

 

I agree Zack was more talk than action. Slater, well, he was both. If Kelly went after him, she'd probably have a little fella to play with Billy, her youngest brother. Kelly wouldn't have slept with Zack, but she would have nibbled his knob had he not been a stool so often. Kelly liked to make people happy, and the guilt would have been a lot for her to handle. But she'd be damn good at head.

 

I'm pretty sure Jessie and Slater did it the night they were studying together in the Jessie's little brother episode.

He had the tape of them, remember?

 

all of this from a simple hotmail question. it's times like these that i love this place