Help Please...In-Laws Problem

The only scenario I could see making any move yourself to contact your wife's parents is if she was acting totally irrationally/unreasonably, which does not appear to be the case here.

Other than that, if you think she should be considering other factors/information in deciding how to act toward her parents, then you talk directly (and privately) to her about it. But in public (and especially to the in-laws) you present a united front. Once she says "this is what I'm going to do," then that's it.

Sure both sides probably need to grow up and swallow some pride, but from all indications it's mainly your FIL who needs to do it. He needs to know time is a factor -- doing the rough math I would guess he's already in his 60s -- and he does not have unlimited decades ahead to come out the "winner" in this pissing contest.

But that doesn't mean your wife needs to surrender. If daddy is just hell-bent on living out his life as a controlling asshole, nobody else can make him stop.

 

I have no doubt I am going to do nothing. Thanks really for your solid responses. Yeah he's 73 and unfortunately thinks he's all knowing about everything. There is no way I would have survived if he was any closer. I had to tell wifey to tell him to back off and stop disciplining my first when he was a toddler. Said "he was already a father, had his shot, just be a grandpa". He was so full of himself that "grandfather" made him feel too old so he told us kids were to call him "granddad" instead. Sheesh.

 

No apologies needed. Thanks for your help.

 

I don't know entirely how I feel about this, but I will say as a counterpoint to the prevailing opinion: My dad went from alive and invigorated to dead within 24 hours. He played golf, ate lunch, keeled over. We had a tremendous and conflict-free relationship and I still miss him every day. My point is, we are getting to the point in dealing with our parents where we have to consider the possibility that they are going to be gone in an instant and are we going to have to be OK forever with the relationship as it stands now. I was. Others are not as fortunate, and spend much of their grieving energy on wondering where it all went wrong.

 

Of course that is true but it doesn't mean your wife needs to sacrifice her dignity and self-respect (and yours in the process).

Just between you and your wife, I would suggest to her to continue efforts to negotiate through the back channel of her mother.

Put it in naked terms: "look Dad is 73 and you are 67 (or whatever), you are not going to be around forever and I would like our children to have good memories of their grandparents. Tell Dad he needs to accept the fact that we live a long long way away, we are going to live our lives and raise our kids as we see fit, we don't tell you two how to live and he doesn't need to tell us how to live. If he can deal with that I am willing to talk."

But the decision on whether to say that or not should be entirely up to her.

 

Support your wife, and time heals wounds.

Lots of good comments on this thread.

How old are your kids? Be careful this rift is not seen by them. Mommy and Daddy don't like Nanna and Pappa is not a comfortable thing for a kid to see.

 

I really don't understand this thinking. I don't waste a second worrying about why likes me or why I don't get along with someone else.

If I don't like someone, it's because they're a jerk -- relative or not.

If someone doesn't like me, I'm sure they have their reasons.

I don't worry for a nanosecond about how people feel about me, unless I need to borrow money or something.

 

Agree here, to back the wife. You didn't marry the in-laws. For now, don't contact anyone. Wait a few weeks and take the temperature with the wife. If it feels right, you can always offer to serve as an intermediary IF she wants you to. If she says no again, after she's had time to reflect, then you have your answer, again.

 

I would ask you to keep in mind that when we get into our 60s and 70s, we generally begin to deteriorate, both physically and mentally. A person might seem to be mean, hot-tempered and irrational, but don't discount the possibility that there's an onset of something more serious that's causing this kind of behavior.

 

You folks have been wonderful. You have mirrored my first inclination which I have followed for 48yrs. I will follow it again and stay out.

Our boys are 12 & 10 and we do try to keep arguing away from them but hey have seen wifey and I argue and makeup. I do agree in-law stuff is not to be heard.

 

Certainly possible but QT has noted the overbearing controlling behavior by the FIL pre-dated even when he and wifey met. It does not sound like any kind of new development.

At some point Dad has to realize that once the kids move out, you don't really get to tell them what to do anymore.

 

I agree completely with this. My parents are jerks who I reconciled with 3 years after they boycotted my wedding. The only reason I reached out was because they had a grandchild.

I get no joy out of interacting with them and am happy having 1500 miles between us. Life is too short to put up with BS that has no benefit.